Striving For Mediocrity

Ramblings of a thirtysomething sometimes bitter single girl living in Southern California with her gay cat and crazy neighbors. Doing her damnedest to find one good man that won't drive her completely nuts.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Why can't more girls be like me?


I have written in the past of my male friends’ propensity to tell me how they wish their girlfriends/wives could be more like me, or my single friends say they wish more girls were like me.

I hate hearing this. I hate hearing this more than I hate hearing Celestia talk about the fucking weather for the eleventy billionth time in one day. I hate more than I hate hearing the toner salesmen that call and harass me at work all day long.

I hate it. And, yesterday, my limit was reached.

I was at work talking to Little Big Shot (son of Mr. Big Shot, company owner). LBS has made more the one comment to me about how much he loves the perfume I wear, and how great my personality is, how I shake my ass when I walk, and how he has to stop and watch every time I walk by. I secretly think he has a thing for big girls, but he won’t admit it. All the girls he’s dated, and his fiancé, are typical California girls. Tan, boney, and gorgeous.

His friend JJ, who I’ve hung out with outside of work a couple of times was also there, and was telling me about some girl he just broke up with. We talked for a while, and then he said the phrase that is going to kill me: “I wish more women were like you, Andria”

FUCK YOU.

Well, I kind of went crazy. And by “kind of” I mean I screamed at him about how I am like me, and I was sick of guys saying that to me, and that it wasn’t a compliment. And then I told him that if he only dates dumb girls for their big fake tits and tans, then that’s all he’s going to get. There was some rambling diatribe after, but I don’t remember all of it.

I am not even going to waste my breath with a rant on the next guy that says that to me. I am just going to kick him in the balls and walk away.


I’m going to punch Celestia if she doesn’t stop talking about her fucking new iPod.

SHE WILL NOT SHUT UP.

I suspect it’s only because she knows I want a pink iPod so bad I’m ready to sell a kidney. Damn her.

If I wasn’t such an asshole to her all the time, and devoted pages of cyberspace to my anger, I might be offended.

Her car still smells like giant dog turds.

Hahahaha.

Stick that in your iPod.


I was chatting with my friend David the other night, and after reading of the repo-man a few days ago, he said “Man, a lot of shit happens to you.”

But I really think it’s just because I am obsessed with people, and I pay attention to things. Crazy shit goes on everywhere. I just look for it.

And speaking of crazy…

My crazy neighbor (the one who named her cats the same name as her own) was fighting with a plant this morning. My bathroom window is right above some of her plants, and I heard yelling while I was in the shower. When I turned the water off, I could hear it was her, and she was saying “Why aren’t you growing?! Don’t I pay enough attention to you? Don’t I water and love you every day? What is your problem?” Over and over and over.

YAY! for crazy people.


Hot Mailman left a note in my box yesterday (oh, the postal sexual innuendo), leaving me his number and telling me to call him about moving in.

You have no idea how many nasty thoughts I have already had about this man living next door to me. The bad thing is, he used to date Jesus Freak when she first moved in. He likes his girls to love the Lord in a big way.

Dammit.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Tomica, my hot new neighbor, and dog shit - oh my!


Scott tagged me for the "name your six favorite songs of the moment" game, so here they are. They are not all new songs, just the songs I have been loving like crazy recently.

"Willow Tree" by Gregory Isaacs (thanks, Scott)

"The Best of You" by Foo Fighters

"Feelin' Love" by Paula Cole (seriously, this song is PURE SEX. Listen to it.)

"My Doorbell" by The White Stripes (actually, I am obsessed with the whole CD)

"Till I Get To You" by Nikka Costa

"Nameless" by Esthero

I am supposed to tag five more people, but I'm a rebel.

So I am not!

I'm such a badass.


Because I can't get enough of Tom Cruise and his downward spiral into complete lunacy, I read in my Rolling Stone today that Us Magazine was speculating that Tom's people originally wanted Jessica Alba to be his pretend publicity-stunt girlfriend before it was Katie Holmes. That way, all the young guys that think she is so smoking hot will in turn think Tom is a big virile stud for getting her, and then he'd be their hero, and they'll all run out to the theaters to see his films.

Yeah, that should work.

Jessica Alba is way too hot for his creepy Scientologist ass.


My Jesus-Freak neighbor is moving out, and my hot mailman told me that he wants me to talk to my Dad about getting him in the apartment.

YESSS!

I am so all over having a hot neighbor (instead of the crazy-ass ones I have now). I am almost delirious with all the "package" innuendo that would be going on.

My other neighbor across the street (who has 12654 family members living there, one of them being the driver of the super-cool booty car), came over and asked me to tell my Dad that he's interested in moving his mother-in-law in.

Uh, I don't think so. That message was conviently NOT delivered to my Dad, unlike hottie mailman's, which was delivered with the quickness. Because if his mother-in-law moved in to the apartment next to mine, that means all those loud fucking kids would be running around MY apartment all the time, playing in my yard, and getting on my last nerve.

No thanks. It's bad enough I have to deal with them all from across the street.


So, Celestia, my evil work nemesis, almost got herself killed today.

By me.

She has to make these spreadsheets that I eventually use for my accounts payable. She refuses to listen to my suggestions about how to use excel more efficiently, so half the cells that are supposed to be formulated and added up aren't, making the totals wrong. Which means I have to back track and add all her work up. She does it every. fucking. week.

I almost think she does it on purpose, knowing that it will make more work for me.

Evil whore.

Karma's a motherfucker, though. In an effort to kiss up to Mr. Big Shot even more, she volunteered to watch his dog while he was out of town. The dog is a 120 pound Alaskan Malamute. He spent the entire weekend digging up her backyard, eating her plants, and then, yesterday, he took a GINORMOUS shit on the front seat of her car.

And by ginormous, I mean it almost took up the entire seat. Enjoy.

On another work-related note, Mr. Big Shot's son Junkie busted out of the rehab daddy put him in that cost him more than my annual salary. That's two rehab centers in a month.

My parents should thank god they got the kid they did.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Tagged by Pete.


If you missed my excellent previous entry that demonstrates YET AGAIN what a massive ass Tom Cruise is, go back to my previous entry.

I got tagged by Pete to list five things that are popular in society, but that I just don't get.

So here goes.

Amanda Peet - Seriously. Why is she famous? She really is just about the most annoying person in movies (ok, tied with Ashton Kutcher, who better run if he ever sees me). I can NOT watch anything that she is in for any length of time. Her face, her voice, her acting... I can't take it. "Something's Got To Give" is a wonderful movie, that is marred by her appearance. Please, someone make her go away.

Reality TV - What the fuck? When will this madness end? I am tired of unscripted television. Bring back the dopey sitcoms and the cop shows. I can't stand watching these morons that are so desperate for fame that they are willing to go on tv and humiliate themselves by marrying a stranger, eating cow shit, dating some loser, mutilating their bodies with plastic surgery, kissing Donald Trump's ass, etc. It's not good television. And it sure as shit isn't real.

The Black Eyed Peas - Ok. I know some of you reading this may (but for the love of god, I can't understand why) like this group of idiots. I can't handle them. AT ALL. I can't stand their songs, their videos, their performances, their kooky appearance... none of it. They really do just make my ears bleed. And this is coming from someone who admittedly listens to Debbie Gibson and Neil Diamond. Don't you think that's saying something?

Carson Daly - GIANT TOOL. Carson Daly is the biggest talentless hack on the planet. He's also got an ego the size of the sun. A few years ago, when Jennifer Lopez wore that green Versace dress to the Grammy's, he actually said that when walked out to present and award there was a huge response from the crowd. He said he thought it was because he peeked out from behind the stage and the audience saw him. He's another one that should run if I ever see him.

PETA - I am all for not being cruel to animals. I am an animal lover. That being said, if I see a bug in my apartment, you can be damned sure that I am going to stomp the shit out of it til I am sure it's dead. Or if there's a mouse, an exterminator is coming to kill it. Although I wouldn't do it, I think if wearing some fur coat is what blows up your skirt, then by all means do it. No animal's life is worth more than my own.

I could go on about the stuff that bugs me all day.

Ok, so since I have to pass this along... these fine people can add their two cents:

Loopy
Bill
Pimp


God, so many sickos instant message me.

AndriaL24 [10:23 PM]: Oh ok... it sounded familiar.
JustUhBill [10:23 PM]: I am just so brilliant, it always sounds like I am quoting someone...
JustUhBill [10:23 PM]: I hear that socrates had the same problem.
JustUhBill [10:23 PM]: and Yoda.
AndriaL24 [10:23 PM]: Uh, yeah... THAT's it.
AndriaL24 [10:24 PM]: Whatever makes you sleep better, dear.
JustUhBill [10:24 PM]: Go to sleep, I must.
JustUhBill [10:24 PM]: that's my geeky yoda talk.
JustUhBill [10:24 PM]: Makes you hot, doesn't it?
AndriaL24 [10:24 PM]: You have no idea... later on when I am in bed molesting myself, I will be thinking of it.
JustUhBill [10:24 PM]: Chicks dig it when you talk like yoda - especially during sex
AndriaL24 [10:25 PM]: You're so right... nothing gets me hotter.
JustUhBill [10:25 PM]: Your daddy, who is?
JustUhBill [10:25 PM]: things like that.
AndriaL24 [10:25 PM]: Bill it is
JustUhBill [10:25 PM]: chicks did it so much
AndriaL24 [10:25 PM]: hahahaha
JustUhBill [10:25 PM]: dig it too
AndriaL24 [10:25 PM]: dork.
JustUhBill [10:26 PM]: Ohhhh ohhh. Well, that one doesn't work as well...
JustUhBill [10:26 PM]: but if you say it in the yoda voice...
JustUhBill [10:26 PM]: Yeah, I'm a dork.
AndriaL24 [10:26 PM]: Hey, that's my line
JustUhBill [10:26 PM]: I wanted that to be the name of my diaryland diary, but some other bitch took it.
AndriaL24 [10:26 PM]: Fuckin' bitches. Can't trust 'em.
AndriaL24 [10:26 PM]: Punkass.
JustUhBill [10:26 PM]: I know!
AndriaL24 [10:26 PM]: hehe
JustUhBill [10:27 PM]: I have one word that describes her...
JustUhBill [10:27 PM]: HOAR
AndriaL24 [10:27 PM]: hahahaha... that's what I've heard
AndriaL24 [10:27 PM]: I heard she totally puts out for guys online
JustUhBill [10:27 PM]: She's just a hoar
JustUhBill [10:27 PM]: hehehe, I've heard that too...
JustUhBill [10:27 PM]: there are websites devoted to it.
AndriaL24 [10:27 PM]: Oh really? I am going to have to look around for those...
JustUhBill [10:28 PM]: she even posts cyber conversations on her page
AndriaL24 [10:28 PM]: How scandalous! How tacky!
JustUhBill [10:28 PM]: where she talks about how hot things make her.
JustUhBill [10:28 PM]: like guys who spell pussy with an ie
AndriaL24 [10:28 PM]: Like Yoda talk??
AndriaL24 [10:28 PM]: That's hot!
JustUhBill [10:28 PM]: that's what she thinks too.
JustUhBill [10:28 PM]: the hoar
AndriaL24 [10:29 PM]: Wow, Bill... you know a lot about her. You must really like her.
JustUhBill [10:29 PM]: like her? I <# her!
AndriaL24 [10:29 PM]: hahaha... It's obvious!

The internet is just full of weirdos.

What would I write about without Tom?


I swear, Tom Cruise is making coming up with diary entries SO EASY.

His latest stop on the "Mental Breakdown/Selling The World on Scientology Tour" with Matt Lauer:

Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology.
And as far as the Brooke Shields thing, look, you got to understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I think, here's a wonderful and talented woman. And I want to see her do well. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
Lauer: But Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressants or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?
Cruise: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today, where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?
Lauer: The difference is —
Cruise: No, no, Matt.
Lauer: This wasn't against her will, though.
Cruise: Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt —

Tool, tool, tool, tool.

Lauer: But this wasn't against her will.
Cruise: Matt, I'm asking you a question.
Lauer: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
Cruise: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.

"I do." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. DICK.

Lauer: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?
Cruise: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Lauer: So, postpartum depression to you is kind of a little psychological gobbledygook —
Cruise: No. I did not say that.
Lauer: I'm just asking what you, what would you call it?
Cruise: No. No. Abso— Matt, now you're talking about two different things.
Lauer: But that's what she went on the antidepressant for.
Cruise: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways, [with] vitamins and through exercise and various things... I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, antipsychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

I love that he thinks vitamins and exercise will cure WHATEVER mental problem you may have. Schizophrenia? Take some B-12! Manic Depression? 50 push-ups and some Vitamin A! Listen to Dr. Tom, people!

Lauer: But a little bit of what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.
Cruise: No, no, I'm not.
Lauer: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?
Cruise: I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that, promoting — for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?
Lauer: No. You absolutely can.
Cruise: I know. But Matt, you're going in and saying that, that I can't discuss this.
Lauer: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that — do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock —
Cruise: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.
Lauer: I'm just saying. But aren't there examples where it works?
Cruise: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even — you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?
Lauer: It's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And you know the subject.
Cruise: And you should. And you should do that also. Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really —
Lauer: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying, I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.
Cruise: But you're saying this is a very important issue.
Lauer: I couldn't agree more.
Cruise: It's very — and you know what? You're here on the "Today" show.
Lauer: Right.
Cruise: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.
Lauer: But —
Cruise: Because you communicate to people.
Lauer: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.
Cruise: What do you mean by that?
Lauer: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you, I’ve lived with these people and they're better.
Cruise: So, you're advocating it.
Lauer: I am not. I'm telling you in their case, in their individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say, "Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all and the end-all."
Cruise: Matt, but here's the point. What is the ideal scene for life? Okay. The ideal scene is someone not having to take antipsychotic drugs.

Duh, Tom. Of course the fucking IDEAL scene is to not have to take any medication. No one wants to take anti-psychotics, you stupid ass. But giving your kid vitamin C and a hug every day isn't going to calm him down if he has ADD (I am not a big supporter of ritalin, either - but I have seen it work with some kids).

I really resent his dismissal people who have serious mental issues, thinking that vitamins and exercise and his cult can cure whatever ails them.

Apparently, insanity and self-righteousness is exhausting. Look at the bags under his eyes.


I completely screwed up my template last night trying to change my email address. Somehow, I ended up merging my locked diary and this one. Don't ask.

I don't really like this one too much.

I think the honeymoon is over with Diaryland.


I found out that a really fucking stupid fun way to spend your Saturday night is driving around a city you don't ever go to because it's full of thugs and drug dealers, looking for your drunk Mom.

My Mom and Dad went to some reggae festival (interesting, given I am the only one in my family who likes reggae) yesterday afternoon, both got drunk, and on the way home got into a fight. My Mom decided that she wasn't going to ride in the car with him, because he was too drunk to drive. So she got out while he was stopped at a light and told him she was going to walk home. They were about ten miles from their house.

Christ. My parents suck.

I was hanging out with my sister when my Dad came home and told us what happened. He was pissed off enough that he was going to let her walk home. If it happened in the area we live, I would have laughed along with him and let her walk, but she wasn't. She was in a shitty neighborhood full of dodgy people.

So Jackie and I got in my car and we went looking for her. Having a general idea where she was, we drove around for about an hour and a half, but never found her.

Around nine o'clock, she came stumbling through the door, with no shoes on (she took them off in the car and forgot to grab them when she jumped out). She walked home, drunk, ten miles, with no shoes on. Oh, my spunky, hard-headed little lush of a Mother.

Her make-up was smeared from crying, and she wasn't talking to anyone. I took her upstairs to her room, and ran her a bath. She kept telling me what happened, but of course, I couldn't understand a word of what she was saying because she was so hammered. I just nodded and agreed when she paused.

I stuck her in the tub, and she pulled me down next to her, and said, "Thank you. You're a good daughter. Don't tell your sister about any of this, either. I don't need Andria yelling at me about this."

She was so shit-faced she thought she was talking to my sister. I could see how she'd mix us up: Jackie's 20, 5'2, 100 pounds, and blonde. I am 31, red-headed, 5'8, and NOWHERE near 100 pounds. It's an easy mistake.

Kind of like mixing up a red cat and a black one.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

It could bring a tear to a grown man's eye.


I know that you all must have been beside yourselves without my drivel-filled ramblings the last few days, but well, I just haven't felt very funny. That, and I have had bigger things on my mind recently.

My friend John died Tuesday.

I am handling it pretty well. I have received wonderful support from my friends, as well as spending some time with Sean, his boyfriend, and laughing about how silly the three of us were.

There's more about it here.

I got no sleep on Tuesday, had an emotional breakdown on Wednesday (which, in combination with my hormones raging from my period, DID NOT HELP people who had to deal with me on this day -my apologies), and feel pretty damned good today.

Fucking rollercoaster.


But, some funny things have happened in the last few days.

For instance, you know how to make a grown man cry?

Take a guess.

Give up?

Ok, I'll tell you. You repossess his BMW in front of everyone he works with while he wife yells about what a worthless piece of shit he is.

I was sitting at my desk, and I could hear the engine of a big diesel truck idling outside my building. This is not usual for our street, so I looked out the window.

"Hey, Junkie, come and look at this." My boss' junkie son was hanging out at our office, looking for YET ANOTHER rehab facility to check into.

"Oh, shit! They're gonna take that fuckin' beamer!"

There was a big truck carrying a load of BMWs, Porches, Volvos, and a Corvette, with one spot left open for the BMW parked on the street. A guy was sitting in the truck waiting, while another guy was looking all over the car for something. I assumed he was looking for a magnetic hide-a-key or something. He spent about fifteen or twenty minutes inspecting the car.

During this time, Junkie and I were on the balcony by my desk watching it all go down. We were laughing at the poor sucker who was stupid enough to leave his car parked on the street knowing that he was behind on his payments, and wondered if he was going to figure out what was going on and try to stop it.

While the guy was filling out papers, a Lexus SUV pulled up next to the BMW, and a man jumped out and started talking to the repo guy. He was waving his hands around, pointing his finger in his face, and making an ass out of himself. Then the woman driving the SUV jumped out and started yelling at him for being late on the payments, and screamed that he was "worthless" and couldn't be responsible enough to do anything right, and then yelled that her "father was right" about him.

The car owner sat down on a planter, put his elbows on his knees, and shook his head in his hands while his wife stood and yelled at him in front of the whole street I work on. And she drew quite a crowd, because not only were about ten people from my office crammed on my balcony watching, but people from other businesses were outside watching as well.

The repo guy jimmy'd the lock, got in the car and started it. The owner jumped in front of it, pleading with the repo guy not to take his car, banging on the hood, screaming like a fool. You could tell by his voice that he was crying. And, judging from the way his wife was screaming at him in public, I am sure his tears were because of what he was afraid was going to happen to him when he got home.

This woman was not fucking around. She was going to kick his ass.

If this was any other guy, I might not have taken so much pleasure in it, but this particular guy is a total prick. I've run into him at the Coffee Bean a couple of times, and he thinks his shit doesn't stink. We used to work out of one of the offices in the building he works in, and he used to make it a point to never hold the elevator door for people who were coming, because he liked to ride it alone. He also berated his receptionist loud enough for everyone on the floor to hear it.

Karma is a motherfucker.

Heh.


*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*fake*


Thank god it's Friday, kids.

Go out and have fun.

Monday, June 20, 2005

The hardest button to button.


One of the things I hate most about myself is that I am gullible. I tend to trust most people and take them for their word.

Men, in particular.

There is a good reason for me being as cynical and bitter as I am.

I meet someone, and I am attracted to him, and charmed by him, and I let that cloud my better judgement. Then, I am inevitably disappointed by him, and I end up feeling foolish.

I know that every man is not like that. I know that decent, good men are out there, and all that jazz. I just want to know why none of them seem to find me. It's the silver-tongued snake charmers that find me every time. Sometimes without even realizing it, I let these men affect me in a way that makes me feel bad about myself, and think that everyone must see what an incredible loser I am; or else I wouldn't keep attracting these types of people.

A few days ago, a lovely friend sent me an email, and in it, said "You know, you're a good person." The email had nothing to do with any particular feelings I had, he just said it to say it. I have no idea why he said it, but it made my whole day.

I know I am a good person. Yeah, I make fun of everybody on the planet, but deep (deep) down I really am a pretty fucking decent human being. I don't know... maybe given all the shit on my head right now, I just needed to hear it from someone else.

Also, this is not me fishing for compliments. I just wanted to let you little grapefruits know what's going on in my head.


This morning, I had to get a chai latte for Mr. Big Shot (and an iced vanilla for me) at Starbuck's. Florida, the homeless chick that hangs out in the area where I work, talks to all the people that hang out there. She was sitting outside with a guy I've seen her talk to a million times. A guy named Mike, who I have said "hi" and "bye" to on occassion.

Florida waved me over and introduced me to Mike (again).

"Baby girl, come here and say hello to my friend!"

Here's our chat:

"Hi again. How's it going?"
"Oh, pretty good. Just reading the paper. Working hard?"
"Always! You know, you must have a pretty cushy job if you can hang out at Starbuck's til ten every morning."
"Well, it's not cushy, exactly. But it's good work."
"What do you do?"
"I'm in television. Programming."

At this point, things in my head started clicking. I chatted online with a guy named Mike, who worked in television, and lived a block from my office. I never saw his picture, but the more we chatted this morning, the more I knew it was him.

"Really? That must be interesting."
"It's alright. It has it's moments. What do you do?"
"I'm a psychic. I have a studio over on Avenue I, off the esplanade."

He laughed.

"A psychic?"
"Uh huh. Don't believe me?"
"I don't put much stock in those sorts of things."
"Give me a try."
"Ok. Shoot."
"Hmmm... let's see. You're 38, originally from Pennsylvania. You love the Steelers. You came to California to be an artist, but it never took off, so you took a job in television. Every morning, you run the beach with your dog, get your coffee and read the paper before work."
"Uh..."
"Am I close?"
"Do you know me? How did you know that?"

Then I reminded him who I was, and that he flipped out and quit talking to me (in spite of about half a dozen fantastic conversations, the fucker) when I made a joke about how crappy reality tv was.

Big baby.


I also had to take my previously-believed-to-be-knocked-up cat, Boo, to the vet to get fixed. I dropped her off this morning on my way to work, and was told that I had to pick her up before they close at three. I planned on picking her up on my lunch break.

I got to the vet, signed all the papers, paid the bill, and took my cat home. When I opened my carrier at home, I realized this was not my cat. Not even fucking close to my cat.

Before you assholes start screaming about why I didn't check the carrier before I left, let me explain. First, I had a towel, and a bunch of toys in the carrier. All I saw when I looked in was the towel. Second, why would I think that it wasn't my cat in there?

So shut up, then.

This is Boo, the cat that I dropped off:

This is the cat I brought home:

I could see how they would get the two confused.

I went back to the vet, and told the moron at the counter that she gave me the wrong cat.

"Hi. My name's Andria [Last name], and you gave me the wrong cat."
"No, I didn't."
"Uh, yeah. YOU DID."
"No, I gave your cat back to you, twenty minutes ago."
"No, you gave me someone else's cat."
"I don't see how that could happen."

I took the red cat out of the carrier.

"What color is this cat?"
"Red."
"My cat's named Boo. Would you name a red cat Boo? My cat is black! This is not my fucking cat!"
"Then whose cat is it?"
"Who's in charge here?"
"My boss."

Oh.My.Fucking.God.

"Get your boss out here."
"She's at lunch."
"Ok, this is quite obviously NOT MY CAT. Whoever THIS cat belongs to, might have MY cat. Why don't you find out who the red cat belongs to, and maybe we can go from there."
"There's no tag or collar on this animal."

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

"Ok. Let's attack this from a different angle, shall we? Why don't you get a list of all the people who had their cats fixed today, and we can call them, and whoever else you gave the wrong goddamned cat to can come back with mine, and then we can all go home happy and I can never come back here again for as long as I live?"
"But that's your carrier. Your cat got put into your carrier."
"Please tell me you're joking with me now. Am I being Punk'd? Is Ashton Kutcher hiding under the counter? FIND MY FUCKING CAT NOW."

I really thought my head was going to explode from the rampant stupidity in this girl.

At this point, I was already late from lunch, and had to call my office and tell them what was going on, and that even though I just got back from a week off, I was going to be out for a little while longer while we tried to fix this shit. My boss understood, but I was pissed about it.

Finally, someone calls and says that she just realized the cat she brought home was not hers, and that she was coming back to bring my cat. When she got there, I took my poor little spaced-out Baby Girl out of the carrier, and handed her the red cat.

"This isn't my cat."

Jesus.

"Sorry lady, not my problem. Talk to the brainiac behind the counter." I hated to be such an asshole to her, since she was about to endure the same hell I just had, but I had to take my poor kitty home and get my happy ass back to work.

I left for lunch at 1:15, I got back to work at 3:30.

Fucking stupid people.


I am going to see The White Stripes with my parents and sister in August. My parents fancy themselves quite the hipsters listening to popular music.

They're not hip.

I foresee much embarrassment for my sister and I. I see my mother drunk, dancing like a lunatic (she has been kicked out of Oktoberfest for this), and my dad, trying to sing along, even though he really has no idea what the words are.

I love my family.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

The Ramblin-Bill interview.

Ok, so I volunteered to play Bill's little interview game.

Here's the rules (I guess these are the rules, I stole them from Bill's diary. So if I'm wrong, I direct all hateful comments to him):

1. If you want to participate in the fun, too, send an email to AndriaL24@aol.com with a subject line that says "Andria, you're a comedy genius. Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.
3. An entire journal entry must be devoted to answering the questions I ask you - and you have to answer each and every one of them honestly.
4. In your question answering entry, you have to include an explanation of the rules, much like this, and offer to interview others.
5. When others ask to be interviewed, you need to ask them five original questions.

Alright. On to the frivolity.


What three words best describe you? Why?

Three words. Hmmmm. There are so very many words to describe the awesomeness that is Andria, so I guess I am really going to have to think about this for a minute.


Sarcastic - I think it's fairly obvious that humor and sarcasm are the biggest part of my personality. And if you haven't gathered that by now, you shouldn't be reading this diary. I, much to the dismay of my friends and family, have been a huge smartass my whole life. I never turn it off, and never shutup. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, I've always got some stupid sarcastic remark to make. It's fun for spectators to watch as I put my foot in my mouth half of the time.


Smart - Even though I curse like a sailor, have a filthy mind, and no college degree, I like to think that I am an intelligent person. Although I ditched school a lot of days, and never did homework, I have always been a reader, and always curious to learn. I have just always been lazy, and wanted to do it at my own pace, and not be barked at by some teacher. It's probably not the bright thing to do, but it's what I did. C'est la vie. Now I'm a 31 year old receptionist corporate administrative assistant. Shows how smart I really am.

Shy - I know, after reading this diary, you probably think I am full of shit. The fact is, I am painfully shy in front of new people and in new situations. I am loud, and boisterous, and a lunatic around my friends and family, but around strangers, I clam up. Big time. It makes dating more of a motherfucker than it already is. I really hate this part of my personality, and I try my best to open up and not be so shy, but it's not easy.

You have been given a very rare treat! You get to have one meal with a famous person who has passed away. What do you order to eat? And what two sides would you like with that? Would you rather have the soup or the side salad? Did you save any room for dessert? Would you even be able to eat any of this with the rotting corpse of that person sitting across from you? (I never said anything about the person being brought back to life. Seriously, did you think I had some sort of magical powers or something? Come on. I'm not Neo and this isn't The Matrix. Sheesh. Some people...)


Oh, Bill... how you slay me!


Whatever.


Ok, so if I could have dinner with any dead famous person, it would have to be Elvis. How could it not be? He's the fucking king, people. Being that he is a good southern boy, I would take him to this bbq place by my Aunt's house in North Carolina, that has the best food EVER. I would order the bbq pork sandwich, with a side of collard greens and macaroni and cheese. That's good shit, people. And I never get soup. I am a salad girl, all the way. With bleu cheese on the side. No dessert for me, though I suspect The King would enjoy many fried Twinkies (which I have had, and was surprisingly good).


What's your idea of 'the perfect day'?


About 75 degrees, sun shining, cool breeze. I don't think any particular activities (hehe... well, ok, maybe ONE) make it perfect, it's all about who you're with. I would like to sleep late, have pancakes for breakfast, go to the beach, and enjoy the ocean with someone else who can appreciate it as much as I do. Watch the sunset, make-out a little bit, go home and watch "Amelie" and then get some. PERFECT.


You talk about porn on a fairly regular basis. What's the most unusual porn you own? (Elaborate. No one wants a one word answer like 'Midgets.' We want details.)


Well, I have talked about the most unusual porn I own. It's a Jenna Jameson movie with some freaky theme that I can't really describe. Needless to say, there are midgets on tricycles, and guys dressed as schoolgirls pole-dancing while the fucking is going on. You can read more about it here.


I also have a tape that Chris, one of my co-workers gave me that has some random scenes he recorded from the Playboy Channel. One of the scenes is a normal sized chick and a midget in a viking hat. Oh - and there's a dildo sticking out of the top of the viking hat. He's going down on her (and she's pretty hideous looking, by the way), and she says "I can't wait for you to fuck me with your big cock." Then he whips it out, and surprisingly, it's decent-sized. A couple positions happen, and then for the big finish, he lays on his stomach, and the girl rides the dildo on the viking hat.


Good times.


You've been invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding. When the words "If anyone objects, speak now or forever hold your peace.' are said, what exactly would you say?


Well, that's assuming I have stopped laughing from hearing the news of their engagement in the first place (I still am laughing, by the way). But, if I did get invited, at that moment, I would jump up and say, "But Pacey still loves you! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ok, not really. What I really would say is "Tom, you know you'd much rather be marrying L. Ron Hubbard, you cult-following queer. Come out of the closet, you big pussy."


Then he'd sue me. And he'd get nothing, since I have no money.


Fuck you, Tom.

Grow a pair and be honest about what you're doing.



More fun with instant messaging:

pussie_eater13: hello
andriaelle24: Hahahahaha...hi
pussie_eater13: very yummy looking lady indeed
andriaelle24: Uh, thanks.
pussie_eater13: yw
andriaelle24: How did you find me?
pussie_eater13: so whats your fav position
pussie_eater13: yahoo personals
pussie_eater13: fav position?
andriaelle24: I really like short stop. Sure, it doesn't have the glamour or prestige of being on first, but those sweet line drives come to the short stop every time.
pussie_eater13: ?
andriaelle24: Oh - wait. You're probably not talking about baseball, huh?
pussie_eater13: no. sexual position.
andriaelle24: Ohhhhh!! ROFLMAO!! OMG!!! LOL!!!
pussie_eater13: i luv 69. i luv to eat pussy, all nite.
andriaelle24: That's so hot. You have a really cool screen name. I like it! HOT!
andriaelle24: Hey, so I have a question. I have found that guys who really love to eat pussy, and talk about it all the time, and how much they love to do it all night, and without reciprocation blah blah blah, usually have a cock the size of my index finger. Do you think this is true?
pussie_eater13: fuck no. i got a huge cock.
andriaelle24: Well, let's see.
pussie_eater13: i dont have pics of that.
andriaelle24: That's a bummer, cause I was really hoping to get some tonight.
pussie_eater13: you can come over here and see for yourself.
andriaelle24: Um... no.
pussie_eater13: come on. i'll make you cum at least ten times.
andriaelle24: Wow... hmmm. That's really tempting.
pussie_eater13: if you leave now you could be cumming in 20 minutes.
andriaelle24: Ok. You talked me into it. Can I bring my kids? I can't get a sitter at this time, and their dad's at work all night.
pussie_eater13: what? for real?
andriaelle24: Yeah. What am I supposed to do with them? Leave them home alone while I go fuck a stranger I just met online? What kind of mother would I be if I just left them alone? Sheesh.
andriaelle24: So, can I?
pussie_eater13: fuck no
andriaelle24: Damn.



Thursday, June 16, 2005

Pimps up, hos down.


Thanks to everyone who answered my survey. The answers were both entertaining and informative. And, to the two pervs who said I need to up the sexual content of my diary… well, this is not a sex diary, and, I can’t write in filthy detail about what I am not getting (at least not from myself).

If someone would just come over here and fix the problem, I might be able to dirty this page up.

But it's not.

Dammit.


Hey, guess who my favorite person is!

Give up?

It’s NoGoodDaddy.

No, really. It is.

You know why? The fucker sent me porn, that’s why.

I opened my mailbox today, and saw an envelope addressed to “Andria H.” I can only guess the H stands for ‘hoar’, since my last name starts with an L. In which case, why didn’t you just write hoar, you ass monkey?

He also sent some of this (except his was mint flavored):

As if I even need any assistance with that.

Riiiiiight.

Though, at the risk of being a tacky re-gifter, I may give it to one of my Mormon cousins for Christmas.


HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCKING HELL FUCK ME THE SKY IS FALLING.

We JUST had an earthquake.

Ok, I have to take a break to have a panic attack.

Oy. I don’t handle these situations well. Not at all.

Since I was a little girl, my Mom and Dad tried to calm me down after earthquakes, telling me that they were normal, and that little sporadic ones were good, because it was relieving the pressure built up in the fault lines.

Fuck that.

There is nothing normal about the ground moving beneath me. Sorry. I am not buying it.

What’s worse, is this is the third earthquake in the last week, and the news was even talking for a moment of a threat of a tsunami in northern California (though I think that was pre-mature, and just more of the networks trying to panic the shit out of viewers – WHICH WORKED ON THIS ONE).

I hate hate hate earthquakes. Not that the disasters that occur elsewhere (tornadoes, hurricanes, etc.) are any more tolerable, because they’re not.

Ok. Time to write about something else and forget this shit.



Tonight, I went out to dinner with Jason and his *gag* girlfriend. I keep telling him that if he’s going to force me to hang out with the two of them, I should get some sort of reward that involves him naked in my bed. But unless she is there, too (and don’t think he hasn’t asked), that doesn’t seem to be happening.

Asshole.

The restaurant we went to is on a pier, with a bunch of other restaurants, shops, etc. One of the other businesses is a club. A club for fat/curvy/voluptuous/thick/whatthefuckever chicks, and the men who love them. There are actually quite a few of these clubs around here. And, no – I don’t go to them. I hate regular clubs. Because they’re a meat market, and I don’t look like the halter-top-low-rise jeans kinda gal that goes to them.

But a club for big girls is different, right?

No. It’s worse, in my opinion. Because you’re there specifically because of the way you look. A meat market. And the fat clubs are always more women than men, and those chicks are like barracudas chasing those men around. My friend Jeff has told me enough stories to keep me out.

Besides, why would I go to a club to meet men when I have the internet to find quality men?

Duh.

Anyway, there is a point to this story.

This club is patronized by a lot of black guys. And, I am not bragging, but the black men love some Andria. Which is ok – I have gone out with a couple of black guys before (incidentally, I went out with a guy who was half black, half Japanese – guess which part of him was Japanese?). But usually, instead of looking like Taye Diggs or Djimon Honsou (oh, how I want him), most of the ones that hit on me look like this:

I just don’t think that’s my type.

So, a guy in a suit not entirely unlike that one in the picture walks up, and Jason starts laughing, because he a) knows what’s coming, and b) knows how incredibly uncomfortable I am in this situation.

Again. Asshole.

Ok, so the guy comes up to me, and tells me, “Mmmm, girl! You got it going on! Let me look at you.” Then he stares at me like he’s going to start eating me at any moment.

“Um… I think we’re going to go. Bye.”
“You don’t want to come in the club and get crunk with me?”

Crunk? Who do I look like? Missy Elliott? In my head I kept hearing Dave Chappelle dressed as Lil Jon saying “Yeeeaahh!” and “Whhhhattt?”

“Uh, no thanks.”
“Why not, baby?”

GROSS. I hate when guys do that.

“I don’t get crunk. Sorry. See ya later.”
”Wait, baby, let me get your number.”
”I don’t have a number.”
“You don’t have a phone?”
“No. It got turned off ‘because one of my baby daddys didn’t pay the bill.”
“Uh…”

Then we left. Jason laughed hysterically, as that’s not the first time he saw it happen.

We were in the porn shop once, and this guy came up and told me that he was much bigger than the dildo in my hand, and gave me his number so I could find out for myself.

It’s ok to be jealous, ladies. I get ALL the hot guys.

Not.


Ok. So it seems that my diary has become some sort of anti-Tom Cruise site.

Why would today be any different, then?

On my new Entertainment Weekly, is a quote from Tom saying, “Some people just don’t like to see other people happy. @#*!! Them.”

Huh.

So, it’s ok for Tom to tell people who don’t like his creepy relationship *coughpublicitystuntcough* to fuck off, but he thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to publicly ridicule Brooke Shields’ abilities as a person AND as a mother because she went on television and talked about her post-partum depression and Paxil? Or to criticize people who seek psychiatric help?

What a MASSIVE FUCKING TOOL.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Shocking entertainment news.


If you didn't take my survey, click the link and DO IT.

I have to know what you weirdos think about things.


One of my favorite shows, Reno 911! is back. And thank god, because there is nothing good on tv right now.

If you don't already watch it, you should watch it only for lines like, "I'm going to go home, take a nice quick whore's bath, and head out to the Hometown Buffet."

That’s good stuff, people.


Proof of my attempt at vehicular tweaker homicide.


So, in a shocking turn of events, Katie Holmes has announced that she is (dun, dun, dunnn) converting to Scientology.

Who EVER could have seen this coming? I mean, really. The notion that Tom Cruise *might* hook up with a young, impressionable girl and spin that wacky Scientology dogma in such a way that she'll want to be one, is just shocking.

Color me stunned.

I wish he'd just come out of the fucking closet, already.

But don't tell him I said that. He might sue me.


When did Jennifer Aniston become "America's Sweetheart"? Seriously. Because before Brad dumped her ass, I don't recall us loving her especially, as a nation.

I have nothing against her. In fact, I feel for her, being as hot as she is (although entirely too thin), and having her man cheat all over the place, and then losing him to that man-eating baracuda Angelina (call me, Angelina).

But still.

America's sweetheart? I thought that was Julia Roberts. Or Reese Witherspoon. Or me.

Also, they're being called "Brangelina."

Kill me.


Kevin Federline bought Britney a 5.5 carat engagement ring, to replace the one she originally bought.

Where in the sweet hell did that guy get the cash to buy her a 5 carat diamond ring?

If I was Britney (and thank you Jesus for delivering me to the family you did, instead of some hillbillies in Louisiana), I don’t know that I would like wearing a ring that I bought myself.

But that’s just me.


Monday, my boss' junkie son came in the office, fresh out of rehab.

Considering our last meeting, I about pissed myself because he basically told me he was going to "get me" for getting him into trouble with his dad (which is what led him to the rehab).

Instead, he told me was sorry, and that apologizing to everyone he hurt/threatened/pissed off/stole from, etc. was part of his recovery. I would love to believe he is on the road to recovery, but in the five plus years I have been at my company, he's been to the old rehab four or five times.

But who knows.

I am just glad I don't have to hide under my desk anymore and bring a clean pair of underwear to work everyday.


Friday night, after I watched RAM, my friends and I went to Hollywood to see The Dan Band. If you don't know, it's the same band in the wedding scene in "Old School." They just cover women's songs.

They kick ass. They also do the best Christmas song ever, "I Wann Rock You Hard This Christmas" (sample lyrics: I want to fill your stocking with my candy cane of joy, so have a merry, merry motherfucking Christmas... I'll send my love train down Santa Claus lane, I'm your little drummer boy). They have a special airing on Bravo this month called "I am Woman."

Check it out.

Dan, the singer, is married to Kathy Najimi, a comedian/actress I like. I related to her from the "funny fat girl" perspective, and she was at the show.

When I saw her, I didn't want to say anything, but Kay told me to stop being such a pussy and just go say hi.

So I did. And I felt like a total dork.


Whoa.

I bought the new White Stripes CD, Get Behind Me Satan. Sweet fucking hell, is this an awesome CD. I don’t even know what else to say. It is… insanely brilliant.

I also bought the new Foo Fighters. They are a favorite of mine. Plus I want Dave Grohl in a bad way.

Dave Grohl said on Howard Stern the other morning that Foo Fighters and Weezer are touring together in the fall.

I have almost completely boycotted concerts altogether, because I refuse to support Ticketmaster and Clear Channel Communications, but I may have to cave on my principles this time.

Dammit. I hate when I have to cave.

The last time I did, was to see No Doubt and Garbage, and it was completely worth it.


So I am off work most of this week. I plan to do a whole lot of nothing. I'll probably watch too much porn, and make more dumb mix CD's, since I do that like a total nerd.

I also intend to have a Crappy Movie Marathon: Spice World, Glitter, and Showgirls.

Does it get any better than that?

Only if Bill will lend me his copy of Xanadu.

Spice up your life!


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Fun with surveys.

Hey, guess what! It's a survey!

Originality is for suckers, so fill it out.

Or I'll cry. And you wouldn't want that, would you?

I even filled it out myself to encourage you monkeys. Now go.








Another Stupid Survey

1. How did you find my diary?


2. What is your URL?


3. What type of entries do you like more - stories about friends/family/work, celebrity rants, or warm fuzzy entries that prove I really do have feelings buried somewhere?


4. You're the lone survivor of a plane crash, stranded on a desert island. All you have is a match, 5 feet of rope, and half a bottle of rum. Are you as creeped out by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as I am?


5. How many "adult toys" are in your house? Be honest, you punks.


6. Who's scarier - Michael Jackson or Dick Cheney?


7. If they made a movie about your life, who would play you?


8. Do you have more porn, or music files on your computer?


9. What's in your CD player right now?


10. Does the fact that I wish there was a Seinfeld Trivia board game make me the biggest dork ever?


11. What's the cheesiest movie you own?


12. I suspect Richard Simmons *might* be gay. What do you think?


13. Have you ever had a dirty dream about another diarist?


14. Will Britney and Kevin last? Because, seriously, if those two crazy kids can't do it, who can?


15. Aren't surveys just a cop-out for a real entry?







Monday, June 13, 2005

Wacko Jacko.


Well. I'll be goddamned.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. I really do have the best readers ever.

Huge thanks to everyone with the encouraging comments and the wonderful emails. That was a hard entry to post here, so I thank you all.

You guys rule.

And, a special thanks to the awesome Miss Pea for sending her eleventy billion fans over by linking to that entry.


So.

Michael Jackson's not guilty of being a child molester.

Great.

California juries really do have their heads up their ass when they get to preside over a celebrity's trial.

I mean, if OJ filmed himself hacking Nicole up and practically decapitating Ron Goldman, the idiots on that jury still would have let him walk.

I think if they had tape of Michael Jackson with his dick in a kid's ass, he'd still get off (literally).

California WILL NOT convict a star.

And then, when they finally DO find one guilty, it's Tommy Chong, going to jail for selling bongs online.

FUCKING. BONGS.

Jesus.



Well, I am now officially a pedestrian-runner-over person.

If a tweeker on a bike counts as a pedestrian, and running into the back of his back wheel counts as running him over.

I was waiting to make a right hand turn at a light, and when it was clear, I started to turn, and in the two seconds it took me to step on the gas and start turning, he flew by out of nowhere, and I hit the back of his bike.
But the guy was so strung out, he didn't stop, or even look. He just kept going.

So I did, too.

I feel just like Halle Berry hitting and running.


Tonight was RAM's kindergarten graduation (I was driving over to his church when I hit the guy). I have to tell you, I don't get all touchy-feely and girly very often, but when my feelings for that kid are involved, I am a total SAP.

It was pretty funny to see 35 five year-olds playing dress-up in frilly dresses and suits and ties, the girls in curls and the boys with the slicked down hair.

When the kids were walking up to stage between the aisle, they all looked petrified. Not RAM. He was beaming. That kid is just happy all the time.

It was funny, because he didn't see me when he walked up, but when he was on the stage, when everyone was getting ready to do a prayer (he's in Catholic school), everyone was bowing their heads, ready to pray, and RAM saw me and screamed out "TT! LOOK I'M GRADUATING!"

He also draws the biggest crowd wherever he goes. Between me and my parents, Kay and her parents, and DMX's family, he usually has at least 25 people at his events. We took up half the stands at his tee-ball games.

So, when they called RAM's name to go and get his diploma, we behaved in the only way appropriate for such an event: waving our hands in the air, jumping up, screaming and clapping.

We had to represent, yo.

We are so white trash.


I heard an interview with Mike Tyson after his fight this weekend, and the interviewer asked him, "So what's next for Mike Tyson?"

And Mike replied, "I don't know. Fade into bolivion."

Bolivion.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Eh, I got nothin'.


Last night, a bunch of us went out to dinner for three of our friends that have birthdays in June. One of those friends (and I use the term loosely for this fuck because he's married to one of my best girlfriends) is Barney The Big Giant Fucking Stupid Ass. I have written in the past (too lazy to look those entries up and link them, just take my word for it) about what an ordeal it is to be in public places with this guy, because if he's not acting like a petulant child, he is acting like a disgusting pig. I keep meaning to write about our first camping trip with him in the mountains, but I always forget. That was when I realized what an uncouth, disgusting ass he really is. I have not been fond of him since.

So Kay, DMX, RAM, our other friend Briton, and I arrive and order drinks. Martinis for the girls (yeah, we're sophisticated like that) and beer for the guys. My Dad leans in and says that he and my Mom and going to pop for the drinks and appetizers, so we should get some more since The Fucking Pig ate the entire appetizer they ordered already.

So we all have a few drinks a piece, and ordered four or five appetizers. When the bill came, my Dad says that for their birthdays, he and my Mom are going to pay the bill. The $200 bill.(I am not bragging, but this comes into play later for when I have a fit). They couldn't stay for dinner.

We were all sitting around, and after the three birthday people opened their gifts (as a group, we usually always pitch in and get one good gift), Barney looked over his card and said to Angela, "Did Mike and Becky sign this?" Mike and Becky are my parents.

"Well, do you see their name?"

"No."

"Well, then I guess they didn't."

Then he leans in to Angela, and says to her that he and Angela gave my Mom and Dad a $50 gift certificate to some restaurant for Christmas, they could have at least pitched in twenty bucks for his gift. I don't exactly know what he leaned in for, since he said in a volume that everyone could still hear, including me.

"Hey, dumbass. Did you notice they paid the goddamned $200 bar bill? That's their gift, you stupid fuck." I probably shouldn't have said it like that, but I did. And I was not about to apologize to him for it, either. He is a fucking dumbass.

And I was cranky because I didn't feel good.

Even though I only ate about 1/3 of my chicken, and 1/3 of my ice cream, it was too much. About five minutes after my last bite, the urge to throw up all over myself came upon me. I hate hate hate throwing up. It is not anywhere near comfortable for me (not that is for anyone, but I just don't handle it well).

Angela flipped out when I called her husband a stupid fuck, so Kay decided we should probably go home. Which is just as well, since I really just wanted to die.

Kay stopped at her office on the way home, and took RAM in with her. DMX and I had a chat.

“Jesus, I am going to puke. I can’t believe how shitty I feel right now.”

“Stick your finger down your throat. It’s not like you’re not used to having something that far down your throat. At least not from what I heard.”

“Haha. Asshole.”

“Want some water? That might help.”

“No, I can’t eat or drink one more thing.”

“So, I guess you won’t be getting any action later, then.” Yeah, as if that was even an option, sick or otherwise.

“Well, I could. I just can’t swallow.”

Sometimes it occurs to me that I don’t have to say every single thing that comes to mind all the time.

But I can’t help it.


My sister Jackie came over this morning, and we were having a sex chat. She told me that her asshat boyfriend hasn’t been delivering the goods lately, and that she was frustrated.

So, I did my sisterly duty of informing her that she needed to get a vibrator toute de suite. She told me she could never go into a store and buy one, so I volunteered to do it for her (plus, I’ll find any excuse to go the porn store). I have no shame in such circumstances.

She was a bit traumatized by the all the different kinds of toys there are. She was looking at some items in particular, and looked at me, perplexed.

“Dude. What are these?”

“Butt plugs.”

“Huh? What do they…huh?”

“I think the name’s pretty self-explanatory. BUTT PLUG. Think about it.”

“Oh my god… how? What..? I don’t get it. Do you have one of these?”

“No.”

“Have you ever used one before?”

“Um…uh…no?”

“You’re a freak.”


I was reminded of a story today in which I made a complete ass out of myself in front of hundreds of people.

I know. It’s hard to believe.

A few years ago, we were in Vegas (my personal Disneyland). We always hang out downtown, because we’re hipsters like that. That, and the strip is more expensive and full of 21 year-olds. Some hotels have these massive 64 oz. plastic footballs that you can fill with beer or mixed drinks for like, ten bucks. For a lush like me, this is the deal of the century.

I was on my second football of Captain Morgan and Diet Coke. To say I was drunk would be putting it mildly. We were walking, and in what can only be attributed to my drunken stupid clumsiness, I ate shit. As in, I was fully erect (hehe…erect) and vertical one second, and then completely horizontal the next. And, what’s even better, my shirt flew up over my head when I landed.

So, there I was, in the middle of Fremont Street, on the ground, with my girls (luckily I had a cute bra on that day) on display for everyone. And, because I am a good drunk, I didn’t spill a drop of my drink. I jumped up as fast as I could, but there was this group of retard frat guys across the street, and they were all yelling crap at me.

It might have embarrassed me, but they told me I had nice boobs.

I have no idea how many people got home from their Vegas trips and went to pop in their videos and saw some drunk redhead eat shit in the background.

It’s so good to be me.

Not.


Saturday, June 11, 2005

Ghetto fabulous.


First I must get this out of the way.

I tried to do a "private" entry, but guess what? I can't because diaryland blows goats. I would send them an email about it, but I am still waiting back to hear about why I have run out of banner views, in spite of the fact that I have never run ONE.

And because I like this diary to be funny, I have thrown all my angst here. And, as if asking you to keep up with two seperate diaries isn't enough, I even locked it! The last feeling-ridden entry I did resulted in me getting an email that sent me in a downward spiral for about a week, so if it's locked, I know who's reading it.

My feelings won't be hurt if no one reads it. But I had to put these thoughts somewhere, and there are a select few who I don't mind sharing them with.

No matter what I am going through, I use my sense of humor to sustain me. That is why even when I am all sad and rainy inside, I try to be as goofy and sunny as possible. I don't know how good that is, but it's how I've pretty much always done things.

Ok. Enough of that shit.


I love living in the ghetto.

Because then you have neighbors who have friends with cars that look like this. If you haven't noticed, that's a bootylicious chick in a thong on the door.

Nice.

That's high class, yo.


Some crap happened at work this week.

First, one of my co-workers' husband tried to pick me up RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE. They are in this weird relationship, wherein they are still married, but don't live together, and don't intend to get a divorce. They spend holidays together, and talk and see each other every day. She got fat, he didn't like it, and left her.

Which is why I don't understand why he's hitting on me. I'm not as big as she is, but I am no petite flower, that's for sure. He tells me all the time that I look "particularly lovely" and always comments on how good whatever color I am wearing looks on me, or how pretty my smile is, or how funny I am to him on the phone, etc.

It bothers me. But I don't know how to say, "Hey, you creepy old fuck. Stop acting like you have a chance. I am not into chauvinistic assholes. Sorry." I just don't see how the wife can sit there and do nothing. I have no respect for women like that.


Celestia and I were notified that we have to go to a hearing about the lady that left her baby in the car while she went shopping. I am not looking forward to this.


My best bud at work, Chris, has a step-daughter that he can't stand. She's an asshole, doesn't respect him, doesn't listen to anyone, doesn't go to school half the time, and doesn't exert any effort whatsoever to be a decent human being.

When he first got married to her mom and they all moved in together, they left her alone for a day and she racked up $200 in pay-per-view porn. She was 13.

Now she's 15, and the wife came in and introduced me to her. Sadly, I see a lot of myself in the girl, in that she is saddled with thick, somewhat frizzy hair, and she is not a skinny girl. The worst part of being that age and being overweight is that you're so eager to fit in and look like everyone else, that you don't realize you should not be wearing the same clothes that the skinny girls are wearing.

All that sympathy was quickly thrown out the window when I made a joke to her about Chris, and she started laughing. No - she started snorting. Loudly. She snorted so much, in fact, that she fell right down.


Last night, I had a date with RAM while his parents went to some fund-raiser for his little league. I had planned on taking him to see "Madagascar," but Kay already did. He told me what he really wanted to do was kick my butt in the Memory game (which the little fucker does every.single.time), and then play with the little asshole girl next door. I don't like him playing with her. She's a bad influence, and she's a tattle tale. Instead, we hung out and watched a few movies and ate some pizza.

"TT, we love pizza."
"Yeah we do, RAM."
"TT, you know what else I love?"
"No, what's that?"
"Kicking your butt! Hahahahahaha!!" At which point, he actually runs behind me and kicks my ass. "Hey, your butt is smaller than it was before. You're losing some pounds, TT."
"Uh...Thanks for noticing, kid."

Later on...

"Hey, are you glad school is almost over for summer?"
"Yeah."
"What are you going to do this summer?"
"Well, I don't know yet. Probably just play. Oh, and I want to get a girlfriend."
"A GIRLFRIEND?"
"Yeah. You know, a girlfriend."
"Who?"
"I don't know yet. I'll know when I see her."

I am pretty sure at five, I was still pissing myself and picking my nose and speaking incoherently (ok, I still do all that). I can't believe the shit this kid says to me.

Then I had one of the very few maternal moments I ever have EVER (since he is the closest I want to get to having a kid of my own, I think), when it was time for him to go to bed and he crawled up in my lap and let me hold him. I haven't held him like that since he was a baby. And goddammit, I have to admit it brought a little tear to my eye, because I couldn't imagine that my bitter, cynical, pessimistic heart could be filled with so much limitless love for one little person.

I hate when that shit happens.

Chewing the fat.


I hate that I am even writing this entry. I hate that people are going to see it, which is why it is my first (and maybe only) private entry ever. I feel like a cry-baby, but I must vent. I resisted writing this because I feel like some people will think they have to step lightly around me, because they don't want the fat girl to go off, but I don't care. Those people probably aren't reading this anyway.

I do think that Cookie's entry about it was better, and much more intelligently written, but a few other entries have pissed me off recently.

Yes. You know who you are.

That's me on my last birthday with RAM and my (gorgeous) sister Jackie.

I'm fat. I just had gastric bypass seven months ago, for fuck's sake. I have been fat my whole life. I come from a fat family. Since about ten, I gradually started putting on weight, and by middle school I was bigger than the other kids. From that time on, people have been kind enough to remind me of how fat I am. I developed the personality I did as a coping mechanism. They won't make fun of you if you're really funny, right?

Wrong. It wins people over sometimes, but less often than not.

Unless you have struggled with any kind of weight problem, you just don't understand. You can't. And I try to remember that when people make comments. But at the same time, that's why they shouldn't be making the comment. You don't know what it's like to have kids at school call you names to your face everyday, to have boys completely ignore you, to not be able to wear the cute clothes all the other girls are wearing, to be so afraid of speaking in front of people who are going to be looking at you that you develop social anxiety disorder, or to be afraid to eat in front of other people because they are going to make fun of you. You just don't know.

I think it's bullshit that people think it's ok to make sweeping generalizations about fat people (or any people really), and ridicule them for no other reason other than that they are overweight. People assume that I am constantly eating, that I smell, that I am lazy, and that I am stupid. Before I even open my mouth to speak, most people have already formed a complete characterization of me. I think this is why I am so vehemently against homophobia of any kind. Because if you think about it, the gays and the fat people are really the last two groups that it's ok to make fun of in every day society.

I accept my responsibility for my size. I blame no one else but myself (well, genetics are partly involved). However, that doesn't mean that it's ok for someone to talk shit to me about it, or that I think it's funny for one of my friends to make a comment about it. Sure, we joke lightly, because a lot of my friends are heavy, too, but it's never hurtful.

I don't want to become some fat-basher nazi. It's not about that. It's about being fed-up. And fucking frustrated. It's about trying to get people to see something from a different perspective, or to change some misconceptions.

I'm not asking for pity. Or sympathy. Just a little tiny bit of understanding.

I realize that there is a degree of hypocrisy involved here. I mean, I talk shit about people in my diary all the time. But all of my ridicule is based on something other than superficiality (I am not trying to make excuses here, I really do believe this). I have even made comments about how I think it's wrong for fat girls to wear low-rise pants. And I still think it's wrong. It's about the pants, though. Not the girl in them. I don't even know if that makes sense. It's two in the morning and I've had some wine.

I am still not entirely comfortable writing this. I originally wanted to write this entry about a month ago, when I saw something in another diary, but I resisted, because I was afraid of the feedback I would get, and I didn't want to look like a cry-baby who could dish it out but couldn't take it. But I don't care anymore.

I think I could go on about this much more, but I think I'll stop here.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Under the pink... inlfluence


I have been a non-dress wearing, non-girly girl my whole life. I have always had Tonka trucks, played in the dirt, and fought with boys.

Well, I don't know what the hell happened to me, but in the last year or so, I can not get enough of the goddamned color pink. I never used to like pink. I have always been a purple girl (still am). Now I have about ten pink shirts, pink hand bags, pink lip gloss, pink nail polish, and I about flipped out when I saw iPods came in pink. I wish my cell phone was pink.

Watch out, because this template may be pink soon.

What the fuck is wrong with me?


I hate when people state the glaringly obvious.

In further proof that I am the clumsiest jackass on Earth, I spilled fucking Diet Coke syrup on my shirt YET AGAIN changing the soda machine at work. You'd think I would learn how to open it away from me, seeing as how I've spilled about five times. But, I never learn anything. EVER.

Every dumbass person in my office said the same thing: "Did you spill something on your shirt?"

No, you fucking moron. This pink (see, I told you - it's a sickness) shirt comes with these sticky brown spots all over it. FUCK OFF YOU STUPID TWIT.


In the little neighborhood I work in, there are a few homeless people that hang around all the time. I see them everyday, and I have made up names for them based on what they look like. There's The Star, so named because she wears her sunglasses at all times, and wears this blanket around her arms and shoulders like it's a mink stole. Then there's Bozo, who has a clown face sans makeup, if that makes sense (I hate Bozo because I am afraid of clowns like nobody's fucking business. I would rather run through the streets of Iraq naked singing "Jesus loves me, yes I know" than have a clown around me). There's The Stud, who is far too attractive to be homeless. It's scary because he's not much older than me - I would guess about 35 or 36, maybe. And, finally, there's Florida Evans, my favorite. She looks EXACTLY like the mom on "Good Times," and she's the only one I talk to. She calls me Precious, or Baby Girl (she calls everyone Precious, but I prefer to think that *I* am the real precious one).

Florida is the only one I never see hanging out with any of the other homeless. Like she's too good to be associated with them, or something. She spends most of her time in the shopping center I go to pretty regularly, since it has the store I buy my lunches at a lot, and Starbucks (I am an iced vanilla latte whore), where I go almost every day. She is a trip to talk to. She is funny, and completely bonkers. She says shit that blows my mind sometimes, which is why I keep talking to her.

Today, I was buying stuff for our Friday lunch (we have free lunch on Fridays, and I am the lowly loser who gets to coordinate it), and Florida was sitting outside the Starbucks drinking coffee.

"Hey, Precious! Come here, baby girl!"
"Hey, Florida. What's going on today?"
"Precious, I got in an accident today taking my kids to school. Some fool ran a red light and ran right smack into my car. I wasn't hurt none, but my car's ruint."

Yeah, she said 'ruint.'

"Did you get his license plate number? You have insurance, right?"
"Baby girl, do you think I would drive without having insurance on my car?"
"That's a good point, Florida."
"Baby girl, you know who I saw today?"
"No, who?"
"Ronald Reagan! RONALD REAGAN!"
"Wow, Reagan was in the Village? That's incredible. Well, I have to get some stuff at Trader Joe's. I'll see you later, ok?"
"Baby girl!"
"Yeah?"
"Don't tell no one I saw Ronald Reagan. They're already looking for me. I don't need no more trouble from them."
"Who's looking for you?"
"You know... them." And then she leaned in and whispered, "Hoover and his men. They're all looking for me."

I looked at her for a second, perplexed.

"J. Edgar Hoover?"
"Yes."
"Why is the FBI looking for you?"
"Baby girl, now you know I can't tell you that. I don't want them coming after you, too."
"Alright, Florida. Your secret's safe with me. You want me to get you something at the store?"
"No, no, Precious. I am on a diet!"

I love her.


Wednesday, June 08, 2005

"Be Cool" is not cool. Not fucking cool at all.


I read PurpleCigar's entry about the silver balls she saw hanging from a truck, and I laughed, because I had never heard of such a thing (I don't get out much).

Then, by some weird ass coincidence, I saw this in traffic on my way home from work.

Wow, that guy's got some blue balls.

Fuck, I am so clever.

Many thanks to the Pimp for pointing that diary out.


I was reading my Entertainment Weekly on my lunch break today, and I read an article about upcoming tv shows for the summer.

Two of them stood out in my mind, and will burn up my tivo.

The first show is the Bobby "where in the hell did my career/life go" Brown reality show. I hate reality shows. But I like watching celebrities imploding more, so I am all over it.

In the article, it says, "Highlights of the reality show include Brown recalling the time he assisted Houston while she was on the toilet - at which time she chimes in, 'That's black love!'"

Huh?

What the fuck?

That's black love, Whitney? Your husband wiping your ass because your-coked out, cracked-out self can't do it? Black people everywhere should be beaming with pride that they have their own brand of romance. And it includes cleaning up shit.

Awesome!

But, that made me think. If that's black love, what is Chinese love?

Or white love?

Or Hispanic love? Does it involve refried beans? Or cheese? Because, seriously, if it does involve cheese, I am going out to find me a latin man right. now.

Who knew Whitney Houston could be so thought provoking?


The second show is some Mark Burnett show about finding a new front man for INXS. This is sad to me for so many reasons. But mostly, because I loved INXS. They kicked ass, and it makes me sad that they can't let the INXS thing go, and start something new. You can't just throw a new guy in and hope no one will notice he's not Michael Hutchence. He was a majority of the appeal for that band. Without him, as talented as the other guys are, it's just not going to be any good, in my opinion.

There was also a cool article on the movie "Manos: The Hands of Fate." Which, if you're any kind of cool dork like me, you know that that is only one of the best (if not the best) Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes EVER.

Watch it.


Does anyone know where John Travolta lives? Because that motherfucker is in for the beatdown the next time I see him. I watched "Be Cool" this weekend, and I don't know that I've ever seen a movie that was so bad it made me violently angry. I think I got so mad because I expected it to be as good as "Get Shorty", which is a great movie.

WRONG.

What a heaping, stinky pile of shit.

Sleep with one eye open, Johnny. Even your Scientology minions won't be able to save you if we meet in a dark alley.


I really never thought anyone would read this diary when I started it almost a year ago.

Well, theotherchad is the 50th sucker person to list my diary as a favorite. I feel like he deserves some sort of prize, yet I am unsure what exactly.

As if the gift of my words isn't already enough.

Pfft.


Bon anniversaire a toi, mon ami.

It sucks to work for the Y-M-C-A


I have been really fortunate that such an awesome group of people have found my diary, because they have made me laugh my ass off, and lately, I have needed that more than ever.

So, to everyone who has entertained me via phone, email and instant message, thank you. More than you know.

Speaking of diary buddies, Cookie is a total sicko. But she and her diary kick ass, so go read it.


I used to work in childcare for a certain Christian Association for Young Men. I loved this job. Correction: I loved the kids, I hated the people I worked with. I even considered being a teacher (jesus...could you imagine?) for a while, but never pursued it. I don't ever want to shoot a kid out of my own vagina, but I love other peoples' kids (mostly).

When I started there, I had never worked with kids before. I just really needed a job, and Kay worked there, and they were under-staffed.

The way I type is the way I talk. I didn't know how to talk to a bunch of kids. It didn't occur to me that I should talk to them differently than I did to adults. So I didn't. And, at first, this was a little jarring, mostly for the parents. The kids, like most kids, loved me immediately.

I bonded with the parents of the kids in my group. I talked to them in detail about shit their kids were doing, and how they needed to get off their fucking yuppie asses at home and do something so their kid didn't think it was ok to act like an asshole when he/she was in my care. A few of them were put out, but ultimately, it ended in their kid being a lot less of a dickhead all the time, so it worked out nicely.

One kid in particular, Brian, was a little jackass. Like the kind of kid you just hate. No matter what, he wasn't happy. He hated me. He hated having to go to daycare (which I can't say I blame him). He hated the other people that worked there. He hated the food we served for snack. He hated EVERYTHING. Everyday I would drive home, smoking ten cigarettes at a time, and ready to pull my hair out from the stress of this kid. I couldn't control him. His parents didn't want to try and control him.

One day I sat the parents down, and told them that we needed to work together to get their kid to work on his anger, and find something that he liked, and to do it like crazy, to keep him occupied and happy.

We figured out he liked cards. So we started playing cards everyday. Go fish, crazy 8's, bullshit (the kids especially liked this one - I wonder why), slap jack, speed, it didn't matter. Whatever kept him calm and quiet.

The kids got bored of those games, so I decided the only logical thing to do with a group of bored eight year olds is teach them poker and black jack.

Hey, there's math involved. It's educational.

So, everyday, after school, while the other groups were running around like chickens with their heads cut off, my group sat at the table, with checkers as chips, and gambled. Other parents bitched about it, but none of mine did. You know why? Because their kids weren't being shitheads all the time anymore. I learned so much about kids during this time. Actually, you could learn a lot about dealing with adults working in daycare. Dealing with stupid grown-ups is not any different from dealing with some punkass little kid.

Except you can punch the grown-up.

During the summer, every week we would take a field trip. Dodger games were a popular one. On one trip, I couldn't go, so I thought it would be funny to make a sign for the kids to hold up whenever Mike Piazza was at bat that said "Mike call me" with my phone number on it. All the kids thought this was hilarious, and they were all over it. They only got to hold it up a couple of times, because the jerks in charge didn't think it was "funny or appropriate" for the kids to be doing it.

When we would go to the movies, we would all speak a weird made-up language and act like tourists. It drove the theater people nuts, because they could never understand us, and usually one of the kids would pretend to start crying when someone didn't know what they were saying. Brian always had his shirt pulled up on his head acting like The Great Cornholio (if you don't know what that is, you suck), running around in circles asking the manager for "tp for my bunghole!"

That kid was such a little evil genius.

At this point, you may all be scoffing at my leadership skills, and letting the kids behave in a way they shouldn't. Well, fuck that. We had fun everyday. We laughed all the time, and we all liked each other. My kids got along and stayed out of trouble. They were happy. They did well in school.

The bond that I developed with those kids was strong. I had the same group of kids all through my time there. They were six when I started, and eleven when I left. Leaving that job was incredibly hard.

I miss those punkass kids. I still keep in touch with a few of them, and (go figure) I still talk to Brian and his family on a regular basis.


I bought the new Coldplay record today. It's excellent (but I already knew it would be).

I also downloaded an assload of Skatalites and Nikka Costa.

Nikka Costa kicks ass. Britney and Hilary and Ashley and Lindsey should lick the bottom of her shoes and hope to get a little bit of her talent.

That's all.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Cause I am barely breathing, and I can't find the air.

My sense of humor has always been my defense and/or coping mechanism. I would much rather act like a jackass and laugh than deal with what's really bothering me, and let people think everything is ok.

Completely unhealthy, I know.

My problem is, and has always been, that I never want to let people know when I am this upset. I would just assume everything stay cheery and normal and then I don't have to tell people how I feel, and no one worries about me losing it or feeling sorry for me. I hate having people feel sorry for me.

Recently, things have spiraled in a shitty direction, and I am barely breathing (to quote the Duncan Sheik song). I have so much shit going on right now that I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes.


I got myself into a situation with somebody that I thought was something that it wasn't, and now I feel foolish. And a little bit hurt. That's all I want to say about it right now.


The owner of my company's son (the junkie criminal one) tried to steal money from the company, and when he got caught, told me that he knew it was me that got him into trouble. I denied it like crazy (but it was me), and he looked me right in the eyes and told me that he'd make sure "whoever did it was going to be sorry."


My friend is days away from dying. I only get to see him a few minutes a day. I hate this. In the last two weeks, every single memory of this man has played in my mind over and over, reminding me that soon he will only exist in my memories. It's fucking hard to deal with, and I hate it.

My frustration with this was punctuated by an ignorant comment someone made.

"No one dies of AIDS anymore. At least not in this country. That's just a myth."

I really had to restrain myself from hurting someone for saying that. What's worse, is that it was one of my fucking friends that said it. I hate all of the ignorance that still surrounds this disease. I hate that people refuse to educate themselves, and realize that people ARE dying, and that a lot of times, they're made to feel like some sort of freak for having this disease. It's wrong and it disgusts me.


Kay and I have been bickering like crazy. This happens every once in a while, usually when we spend too time together. We get tired of each other, and start nit-picking everything. Sunday, at dinner, it came to a head when she asked me to proof a marketing letter for her, and I told her it contained a lot of errors. She took it personally, and blew up about how I am so anal about grammar and spelling (uh, isn't that why you asked me to do it?). Whatever. It was stupid.


I am pretty sure my sister's asshat boyfriend has driven her to an eating disorder. I will kill him if she harms herself and stops eating. I hate him. I wish she would get some fucking self-esteem and realize how gorgeous she is, and that she can do SO much better than him. But she's 20. I can't tell her anything, unfortunately.

I hate feeling like this.

Luckily, I am better today than I was yesterday, and hopefully, tomorrow I will be better than I am today.


I watched Entourage tonight, and it seems that Jeremy Piven is the only man on Earth who is growing MORE hair the older he gets. He has more hair now than he had in Old School, where he had more hair than he had in PCU.


Ok, so my sweet little kitty might not be pregnant after all, because she is in heat like nobody's business. I haven't had a full night's sleep in the last five days because that bitch is whining all night long, which wouldn't be so bad, if there weren't like, ten neighborhood cats outside my bedroom window howling for her all night.

The fun just never stops.


On a lighter note (and thank god for funny people in times like these), I just want to say Bill totally wants me.

Read my comments. It's love for our little Billy Boy.

And, really... how could he not love me?

I'm pretty damned charming.


Whore no, hoar, yes.

I recently got googled for “2005 Diaryland whore,” which made me laugh for a few reasons.

In spite of my filthy mouth, dirty mind, and love of porn, I am really not that slutty (no, really). Granted, I have put out on the first date a few times, but that does not a whore make.

I (and a lot of people who read this) have laughed and hijacked the term “hoar,” a title foisted upon me by My Fan/illiterate moron. I have embraced the term, and think it’s funny.

Now, I am not admitting to being a whore (keep up with the difference between the two, people). A real whore is someone who proudly admits to sleeping with HUNDREDS (we’re talking like 250+) of people. I know someone like this.

I mean, at that number, I have to imagine that there might be men lost up in there that haven’t been seen for years. That’s a lot of fucking people.

LITERALLY.

Speaking of whores, the conversation I had with my Mom on Saturday both disgusted and entertained. And, to respond to Rachel’s suggestion that we enact a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about our sex lives - believe me, my sister and I discuss nothing with our parents. My parents love how uncomfortable it makes us when they talk about their sex life. And, god, does it ever make me unfuckingcomfortable.

How would you feel if your mother talked about swallowing?

At least I know I come by my vulgarity honestly.


My diary may have its first guest writer ever, because my friend Jen, aka Mrs. Mitchell, reminded me the other day when I was ranting about Tom and Scientology that I completely forgot to recount her own run-in with the wacky cultists. And since it’s her story, and she’s a way better writer than I am (evidence of that in this very sentence), I will force her to write it.

I did remember the story when I wrote that entry, but it was late, and I couldn’t remember all the details. But it’s funny.

Ps – you really should check out her journal. She is beyond talented. And smart. And funny.

Now go read it.


This guy that answered my personal ad a while ago (we emailed once or twice, but that was it) IM’d me Friday, and after we chatted, he asked if I wanted to meet me for coffee.

His name’s Jude, he’s 38, and not my type at all. Which, given my track record, could be a good thing.

How could I say no to a guy that tells me how cute and funny and smart I am all the time?

We’ll see.

God, I hate dating.


I also hate anonymous comment posters.

I got a comment today (mysteriously buried in an entry from May 4) from “Bitch” that just said something like “Don’t blast other peoples’ diaries… have some respect!” Or some shit like that.

First – I don’t recall ever having blasted ANYONE’S diary.

Second – If you’re going to talk shit to me, have the balls to put your URL and/or your email address. Don’t be a pussy your whole life.

Third – Quit reading my diary. RIGHT NOW. Only smart and funny people are allowed to read this, and you, my dear, are neither of those.

Now, please take your stupid comment and shove it straight up your fucking ass. Is that respectful enough for you?

God, I hate losers.

Except Bill. Even though he clearly lost the 80’s game, he’s still alright in my book.

I win, dear. Just like Gloria and the Miami Sound Machine said, the rhythm is going to get you!!

Hehe.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

It's all fun and games til your Mom starts talking about semen.


Hey, guess who the two biggest dorks on the planet are.

Give up?

It's me and Bill.

What started out as a challenge to stick the cheesiest 80's song in our heads in my comments Friday turned into a conversation putting the titles in as dialogue.

AndriaL24 [9:19 PM]: Should I stay, or should I go?
JustUhBill [9:19 PM]: I don't know, because I am Too Shy
JustUhBill [9:19 PM]: You've been Kajagoogoo'ed!!!
AndriaL24 [9:19 PM]: Don't be. I'm mad about you.
AndriaL24 [9:20 PM]: (I just) died in your arms
JustUhBill [9:20 PM]: Oh baby, just you shut your mouth (china girl, David Bowie)
AndriaL24 [9:20 PM]: I knew what it was. You're a hard habit to break.
JustUhBill [9:20 PM]: I want to dance with somebody.
JustUhBill [9:21 PM]: You've been Whitney'ed!
AndriaL24 [9:21 PM]: Rock me amadeus!
JustUhBill [9:21 PM]: You would think I would get tired of doing that.
AndriaL24 [9:21 PM]: I've been waiting for a girl like you!
JustUhBill [9:21 PM]: Red Red Wine makes me feel so fine...
AndriaL24 [9:21 PM]: Keep your hands to yourself.
JustUhBill [9:21 PM]: She's a beauty - a one in a million girl!
AndriaL24 [9:22 PM]: Give her some sexual healing.
JustUhBill [9:22 PM]: TRUE!
AndriaL24 [9:22 PM]: But... Don't, don't you want me?
AndriaL24 [9:22 PM]: It's such a nice day for a white wedding.
JustUhBill [9:23 PM]: Keep feelin' fascination...
AndriaL24 [9:23 PM]: I want to know what love is.
AndriaL24 [9:23 PM]: Because our love's in jeopardy
AndriaL24 [9:24 PM]: And, after all, girls just want to have fun.
AndriaL24 [9:24 PM]: BAM!
JustUhBill [9:24 PM]: Then ask Donny Osmond - he's a "Soldier of Love "
AndriaL24 [9:24 PM]: Time after time. So you say say say.
JustUhBill [9:25 PM]: Damn, we've got the beat!
JustUhBill [9:25 PM]: you'd think it was a manic monday!
AndriaL24 [9:25 PM]: Don't worry, be happy!
AndriaL24 [9:25 PM]: And, Don't stand so close to me. Please.
JustUhBill [9:25 PM]: When I hear that song, I want to do "The Curly Shuffle"
AndriaL24 [9:26 PM]: Really? I want to drive my little red corvette
AndriaL24 [9:27 PM]: A million miles away.
JustUhBill [9:27 PM]: Damn it - I can't think of the words to Arthur's Song from the movie Arthur - "Once in your life you find her - someone who turns your heart around" or something like that.
AndriaL24 [9:27 PM]: hahahaha.. LOSER.
JustUhBill [9:27 PM]: wrong...
JustUhBill [9:27 PM]: not knowing the words to that song makes me a winner. hehehee
AndriaL24 [9:27 PM]: Another one bites the dust!
JustUhBill [9:27 PM]: To all the girl's we've loved before.
JustUhBill [9:27 PM]: I think that is 70s
JustUhBill [9:28 PM]: girls too
AndriaL24 [9:28 PM]: Oh, bill, just cum on feel the noize
AndriaL24 [9:28 PM]: and take the long way home
JustUhBill [9:28 PM]: I will - because my future's so bright I've gotta wear shades!
AndriaL24 [9:28 PM]: Hahaha

That went on for an hour.

Yeah, we're cool like that.

And Bill, I won.

BOOYAH!

We rule.


I saw something on television this week that disturbed me. It’s called “Sports Kids Moms and Dads” on Bravo.

It should be called “Here’s 60 minutes worth of evidence why my children should be taken away from me,” because it’s child abuse. These parents force their children to do hours and hours of grueling workouts and training every week.

Example: One psycho mom has her daughter, who’s 7 or 8, in dance and cheerleading. She does 12 hours of working out, in addition to 7 hours of practice. That’s 19 hours A WEEK that this child is working out.

The parents try to defend their actions saying that it’s the kids that really want to do it. What 8 year-old kid do you know wants to spend every minute of their free time running up and down stadium stairs while their dad stands their barking at him to go faster, or have their mother wake them up at five so they can get to the ice skating rink so she can tell you how disappointed she is that you just couldn’t land that double axle?

The most troubling part of all of it is that education is the last priority. One of the kids’ teachers said that the mother regularly pulls her out of class, and she misses whole days because she is off at some competition. The figure skating kid only does half days three days out of the week. He only goes to school full time TWO DAYS A FUCKING WEEK.

Doesn’t sound like any childhood I would enjoy. These parents are so in denial, claiming that it’s the kids who really want it, but they’re too fucking stupid to realize that children want to please their parents, and that the kids have picked up on the fact that success=love in their eyes.

It’s disgusting.


The most uncomfortable conversation my sister and I have ever had with our mother, at lunch today. This also came after she had a cosmo before lunch.

Nice.

Mom: What are you guys going to get?
Andria: I am not sure.
Jackie: Shrimp and linguini.
Andria: Nasty fish eaters.
Mom: Fish is good for you. It wouldn’t kill you to eat piece of fish once in while.
Andria: Mom, I am 31. When do you ever recall me liking fish? Why would I start now?
Mom: You should try sushi. You’d love it.
Andria: Uh. NOT.
Mom: We’ll go to Rock and Roll Sushi (trendy sushi place by my house) and you’ll love it. We had this sushi in PV, and this sauce we had tasted just like semen.
Andria & Jackie: Um… what?
Mom: Oh, you know. It was warm, and had this bitter, salty taste. Like cum. Don’t tell me you guys have never swallowed before. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

*shudder*gag*puke*die*

I think that conversation may have traumatized me more than hearing my parents have sex.

Seriously.

Kill me. Now.