The Ramblin-Bill interview.

Ok, so I volunteered to play Bill's little interview game.

Here's the rules (I guess these are the rules, I stole them from Bill's diary. So if I'm wrong, I direct all hateful comments to him):

1. If you want to participate in the fun, too, send an email to AndriaL24@aol.com with a subject line that says "Andria, you're a comedy genius. Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.
3. An entire journal entry must be devoted to answering the questions I ask you - and you have to answer each and every one of them honestly.
4. In your question answering entry, you have to include an explanation of the rules, much like this, and offer to interview others.
5. When others ask to be interviewed, you need to ask them five original questions.

Alright. On to the frivolity.

What three words best describe you? Why?

Three words. Hmmmm. There are so very many words to describe the awesomeness that is Andria, so I guess I am really going to have to think about this for a minute.

Sarcastic - I think it's fairly obvious that humor and sarcasm are the biggest part of my personality. And if you haven't gathered that by now, you shouldn't be reading this diary. I, much to the dismay of my friends and family, have been a huge smartass my whole life. I never turn it off, and never shutup. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, I've always got some stupid sarcastic remark to make. It's fun for spectators to watch as I put my foot in my mouth half of the time.

Smart - Even though I curse like a sailor, have a filthy mind, and no college degree, I like to think that I am an intelligent person. Although I ditched school a lot of days, and never did homework, I have always been a reader, and always curious to learn. I have just always been lazy, and wanted to do it at my own pace, and not be barked at by some teacher. It's probably not the bright thing to do, but it's what I did. C'est la vie. Now I'm a 31 year old receptionist corporate administrative assistant. Shows how smart I really am.

Shy - I know, after reading this diary, you probably think I am full of shit. The fact is, I am painfully shy in front of new people and in new situations. I am loud, and boisterous, and a lunatic around my friends and family, but around strangers, I clam up. Big time. It makes dating more of a motherfucker than it already is. I really hate this part of my personality, and I try my best to open up and not be so shy, but it's not easy.

You have been given a very rare treat! You get to have one meal with a famous person who has passed away. What do you order to eat? And what two sides would you like with that? Would you rather have the soup or the side salad? Did you save any room for dessert? Would you even be able to eat any of this with the rotting corpse of that person sitting across from you? (I never said anything about the person being brought back to life. Seriously, did you think I had some sort of magical powers or something? Come on. I'm not Neo and this isn't The Matrix. Sheesh. Some people...)

Oh, Bill... how you slay me!

Whatever.

Ok, so if I could have dinner with any dead famous person, it would have to be Elvis. How could it not be? He's the fucking king, people. Being that he is a good southern boy, I would take him to this bbq place by my Aunt's house in North Carolina, that has the best food EVER. I would order the bbq pork sandwich, with a side of collard greens and macaroni and cheese. That's good shit, people. And I never get soup. I am a salad girl, all the way. With bleu cheese on the side. No dessert for me, though I suspect The King would enjoy many fried Twinkies (which I have had, and was surprisingly good).

What's your idea of 'the perfect day'?

About 75 degrees, sun shining, cool breeze. I don't think any particular activities (hehe... well, ok, maybe ONE) make it perfect, it's all about who you're with. I would like to sleep late, have pancakes for breakfast, go to the beach, and enjoy the ocean with someone else who can appreciate it as much as I do. Watch the sunset, make-out a little bit, go home and watch "Amelie" and then get some. PERFECT.

You talk about porn on a fairly regular basis. What's the most unusual porn you own? (Elaborate. No one wants a one word answer like 'Midgets.' We want details.)

Well, I have talked about the most unusual porn I own. It's a Jenna Jameson movie with some freaky theme that I can't really describe. Needless to say, there are midgets on tricycles, and guys dressed as schoolgirls pole-dancing while the fucking is going on. You can read more about it here.

I also have a tape that Chris, one of my co-workers gave me that has some random scenes he recorded from the Playboy Channel. One of the scenes is a normal sized chick and a midget in a viking hat. Oh - and there's a dildo sticking out of the top of the viking hat. He's going down on her (and she's pretty hideous looking, by the way), and she says "I can't wait for you to fuck me with your big cock." Then he whips it out, and surprisingly, it's decent-sized. A couple positions happen, and then for the big finish, he lays on his stomach, and the girl rides the dildo on the viking hat.

Good times.

You've been invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding. When the words "If anyone objects, speak now or forever hold your peace.' are said, what exactly would you say?

Well, that's assuming I have stopped laughing from hearing the news of their engagement in the first place (I still am laughing, by the way). But, if I did get invited, at that moment, I would jump up and say, "But Pacey still loves you! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ok, not really. What I really would say is "Tom, you know you'd much rather be marrying L. Ron Hubbard, you cult-following queer. Come out of the closet, you big pussy."

Then he'd sue me. And he'd get nothing, since I have no money.

Fuck you, Tom.

Grow a pair and be honest about what you're doing.

---

More fun with instant messaging:

pussie_eater13: hello
andriaelle24: Hahahahaha...hi
pussie_eater13: very yummy looking lady indeed
andriaelle24: Uh, thanks.
pussie_eater13: yw
andriaelle24: How did you find me?
pussie_eater13: so whats your fav position
pussie_eater13: yahoo personals
pussie_eater13: fav position?
andriaelle24: I really like short stop. Sure, it doesn't have the glamour or prestige of being on first, but those sweet line drives come to the short stop every time.
pussie_eater13: ?
andriaelle24: Oh - wait. You're probably not talking about baseball, huh?
pussie_eater13: no. sexual position.
andriaelle24: Ohhhhh!! ROFLMAO!! OMG!!! LOL!!!
pussie_eater13: i luv 69. i luv to eat pussy, all nite.
andriaelle24: That's so hot. You have a really cool screen name. I like it! HOT!
andriaelle24: Hey, so I have a question. I have found that guys who really love to eat pussy, and talk about it all the time, and how much they love to do it all night, and without reciprocation blah blah blah, usually have a cock the size of my index finger. Do you think this is true?
pussie_eater13: fuck no. i got a huge cock.
andriaelle24: Well, let's see.
pussie_eater13: i dont have pics of that.
andriaelle24: That's a bummer, cause I was really hoping to get some tonight.
pussie_eater13: you can come over here and see for yourself.
andriaelle24: Um... no.
pussie_eater13: come on. i'll make you cum at least ten times.
andriaelle24: Wow... hmmm. That's really tempting.
pussie_eater13: if you leave now you could be cumming in 20 minutes.
andriaelle24: Ok. You talked me into it. Can I bring my kids? I can't get a sitter at this time, and their dad's at work all night.
pussie_eater13: what? for real?
andriaelle24: Yeah. What am I supposed to do with them? Leave them home alone while I go fuck a stranger I just met online? What kind of mother would I be if I just left them alone? Sheesh.
andriaelle24: So, can I?
pussie_eater13: fuck no
andriaelle24: Damn.