Chewing the fat.

I hate that I am even writing this entry. I hate that people are going to see it, which is why it is my first (and maybe only) private entry ever. I feel like a cry-baby, but I must vent. I resisted writing this because I feel like some people will think they have to step lightly around me, because they don't want the fat girl to go off, but I don't care. Those people probably aren't reading this anyway.

I do think that Cookie's entry about it was better, and much more intelligently written, but a few other entries have pissed me off recently.

Yes. You know who you are.

That's me on my last birthday with RAM and my (gorgeous) sister Jackie.

I'm fat. I just had gastric bypass seven months ago, for fuck's sake. I have been fat my whole life. I come from a fat family. Since about ten, I gradually started putting on weight, and by middle school I was bigger than the other kids. From that time on, people have been kind enough to remind me of how fat I am. I developed the personality I did as a coping mechanism. They won't make fun of you if you're really funny, right?

Wrong. It wins people over sometimes, but less often than not.

Unless you have struggled with any kind of weight problem, you just don't understand. You can't. And I try to remember that when people make comments. But at the same time, that's why they shouldn't be making the comment. You don't know what it's like to have kids at school call you names to your face everyday, to have boys completely ignore you, to not be able to wear the cute clothes all the other girls are wearing, to be so afraid of speaking in front of people who are going to be looking at you that you develop social anxiety disorder, or to be afraid to eat in front of other people because they are going to make fun of you. You just don't know.

I think it's bullshit that people think it's ok to make sweeping generalizations about fat people (or any people really), and ridicule them for no other reason other than that they are overweight. People assume that I am constantly eating, that I smell, that I am lazy, and that I am stupid. Before I even open my mouth to speak, most people have already formed a complete characterization of me. I think this is why I am so vehemently against homophobia of any kind. Because if you think about it, the gays and the fat people are really the last two groups that it's ok to make fun of in every day society.

I accept my responsibility for my size. I blame no one else but myself (well, genetics are partly involved). However, that doesn't mean that it's ok for someone to talk shit to me about it, or that I think it's funny for one of my friends to make a comment about it. Sure, we joke lightly, because a lot of my friends are heavy, too, but it's never hurtful.

I don't want to become some fat-basher nazi. It's not about that. It's about being fed-up. And fucking frustrated. It's about trying to get people to see something from a different perspective, or to change some misconceptions.

I'm not asking for pity. Or sympathy. Just a little tiny bit of understanding.

I realize that there is a degree of hypocrisy involved here. I mean, I talk shit about people in my diary all the time. But all of my ridicule is based on something other than superficiality (I am not trying to make excuses here, I really do believe this). I have even made comments about how I think it's wrong for fat girls to wear low-rise pants. And I still think it's wrong. It's about the pants, though. Not the girl in them. I don't even know if that makes sense. It's two in the morning and I've had some wine.

I am still not entirely comfortable writing this. I originally wanted to write this entry about a month ago, when I saw something in another diary, but I resisted, because I was afraid of the feedback I would get, and I didn't want to look like a cry-baby who could dish it out but couldn't take it. But I don't care anymore.

I think I could go on about this much more, but I think I'll stop here.