Each day the bucket goes to the well, one day the bottom will drop out.

Um, yeah. I feel pretty shitty today. I got about 18 minutes of sleep last night. The rest of the time I spent crying, and feeling horrible about myself because I let my feelings get the best of me, and hurt someone that I care about so much that I feel sick about it today. Like, physically ill.

No matter how much I apologize, and admit that I know what I did was the wrong thing to do, I just don't think it's going to make a difference now. I don't like the idea of him hating me, or the possibility that we might not speak anymore.

I fucking hate it.

I feel more alone right now than I have in a long time, probably since X broke up with me.

I forgot how bad this feels.

Does crying like a blubbering idiot make you lose any water weight? I have to find at least one positive here.

---

And I'm pretty sure my house is haunted.

I'll explain.

My grandmother died of lung cancer almost ten years ago. She smoked two packs of cigarettes a day most of her life. She was also an avid coffee drinker. I don't think I ever saw her drink anything but coffee. So, there is this tobacco/coffee smell that is burned in my memory. That's her smell to me.

I have not smoked in almost six years, and no one I hang around smokes. But, when I am really upset, and usually when I am crying, I can smell that smell. It invades my senses, and it feels like she's sitting right next to me. It both scares and comforts me. It's very strange. I don't like ghosts, or any of kind of supernatural freaky shit. I realize that's my Grandma, and I love and miss her, but it still freaks me out a little.

And, when I woke up this morning, there it was. Her smell. I just sat on the edge of my bed for about a half hour, taking in as much of it as I could before it was gone again.

I miss her.

...that's not all, though.

My bathroom sink, which is parallel to my bathtub, has a glass purple soap dispenser that sits on the side of the sink just above the bathtub. The sink is about a foot above the edge of the bathtub, but the sink actually hangs over by an inch or two, so if anything falls off that side of the sink, it falls into the tub. Make sense?

About a week ago, I came home from work, and the soap dispenser was on the floor, under the sink, right side up, with the pump on the floor next to it, but not a drop had spilled out.

There's no way Ike could have knocked it off and it would have landed that way and not spilled ANYTHING. As much as I don't want to admit that strange things are afoot at the Circle K, they are.

Someone call that crazy little old lady from "Poltergeist."

I need my house to be clee-ah.

---

And, finally, to prove yet again that if there's a lame-ass loser guy around here, he'll find me. Now, I haven't dumped my new boyfriend Lisa yet, but I have a new admirer that could knock Lisa right out the running for my affections.

About a year ago, I started getting these emails from some automotive website promoting all these car shows. I had never visited this website, or signed up to be on any mailing lists, so finally, I replied to the guy who emailed some promotion to me and asked why he kept sending me these dumb emails.

I'll cut and paste them from the beginning. This guy is SUCH a winner.

----- Original Message -----
From: andrial24@aol.com
To: rclark@califormance.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2005 3:25 PM
Subject: Re:
Hi. I'm not sure if you got my email address mixed up with someone else, but I keep getting these emails from you, and I have no clue who your company is. I remember a long time ago I got an email that just said hello, and then after that, I started getting promotional emails about events, etc. I don't want to waste space on your mailing list.

-----Original Message-----
From: Robert Clark rclark@califormance.com
To: andrial24@aol.com
Sent: Wed, 31 Aug 2005 09:48:47 -0700
Subject: Re:

Are you in the modeling or automotive industry?

----- Original Message -----
From: andrial24@aol.com
To: rclark@califormance.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 31, 2005 9:58 AM
Subject: Re:

Hahaha.... no. I work at a finance company. Maybe you mixed my email address up with someone elses?

-----Original Message-----
From: Robert Clark rclark@califormance.com>
To: andrial24@aol.com
Sent: Wed, 31 Aug 2005 10:02:54 -0700
Subject: Re:

At woodside?
I will remove you and wonder how you got in our database. Have a great day.
Robert

----- Original Message -----
From: andrial24@aol.com
To: rclark@califormance.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 31, 2005 10:06 AM
Subject: Re:

Nope... not my company. I am wondering how I got in your database, too. It's no big deal, I was just curious how you found my name.

Thanks.

Andria

-----Original Message-----
From: Robert Clark rclark@califormance.com
To: andrial24@aol.com
Sent: Wed, 31 Aug 2005 10:12:01 -0700
Subject: Re:

Well, Im blond blue eyes about 5'6 160lbs live in So. Cali inland South West Riverside. I won a Real Estate Referral Service and Automotive Lifestyle site.
Tell me a little about yourself, please.

This is hilarious. Now he's trying to hook up. I had this happen on my cell phone once. Some guy called me, and I told him he had the wrong number, and then he started chatting me up and asking me if I was interested in meeting him.
Yeah, that would work.

----- Original Message -----
From: andrial24@aol.com
To: rclark@califormance.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 31, 2005 10:29 AM
Subject: Re:

Well... I'm not single. But I'm 5'8, red hair and green eyes, and I'm not skinny - which is why I laughed when you asked if I was in the modeling industry.

Usually, when annoying guys are pestering me, as soon as I drop the fat bomb, they're gone, so I figured that would get rid of him. Wrong.

-----Original Message-----
From: Robert Clark
To: andrial24@aol.com
Sent: Wed, 31 Aug 2005 10:32:02 -0700
Subject: Re:

I can live with it all. the married part never bugs me, the rest of you sounds worth dying for/over.

Love the fact your not a salad eater

I can see he's a real charmer with the ladies. WINNER.

----- Original Message -----
From: andrial24@aol.com
To: rclark@califormance.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 31, 2005 4:22 PM
Subject: Re:

Well, I must say, you sound like quite a man. Too bad I'm not single, or I'd be ALL OVER you.

And, just so you know - I am worth dying over. ;)

Have a great day!

-----Original Message-----
From: Robert Clark
To: andrial24@aol.com
Sent: Thu, 1 Sep 2005 01:39:39 -0700
Subject: Re:

Im heart struck, and my lip is bleeding.
Id love to seenk a peek if youd ever wish to send a pic. and I am sure you may have a friend or two lying around that wouldnt mind a little kiss and tell.
RC


Ugh. What the fuck does "I'm heart struck, and my lip is bleeding" mean? How do they find me? How?? I sent him this reply this morning:

Hmmm.. well, I will certainly mention you to my single girlfriends (and even the taken ones!). Could you send me a pic so I could show them?

His reply:

I hate pictures, I am not that cute - so I dislike taking them.
Im just a smooth talker and great in bed. I am also on yahoo at robert9092001 incase you feel the need to say hi in real time.
I dont mind a women being married or singel as long as she knows what she wants, is it to be loved for the moment or a lifetime.
Yes, at 30 I would like to find the one, but most women our age (30 to 45) have been trapped in an unhappy marriage since they were 18.
They want to get out shake off the dust and part thier leggs.
Heres my picture from last December, its not that great but its me.
Robert



Wow, a smooth talker AND great in bed. I've hit the jackpot! At least this dumbass made me laugh today, and me made me feel less crappy for a minute or two.