This just in: Osama bin Laden caught stealing tampons at Target.

So, I've been in kind of a funk lately. There's a lot of stuff on my head, and it's making me a little nuts, and not very much fun to be around.

I keep having dreams I'm talking to my dead friend, I'm broke, I have $8000 in medical bills, and I feel like I am reaching out for something I'm never going to be able to have.

What a perfect mood for an update!

Woo! Crabby bitch!

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Chika(I'm plugging your diaryland diary because your blogger title is long as hell) told me that instead of doing a list of crap that makes me happy, I should do a list of things that piss me off.

And, since that suits my current state of mind much more than stuff like rainbows (Saru-San, where are the "fuck you, rainbow!" t-shirts?), and kittens, and lollipops, I'll start with the biggest pain in my ass.

Celestia.

Celestia could, and should, have a list dedicated just to her. My ex-friend and current office nemesis/evil bitch whore, she pretty much infuriates me on a daily basis. But, I like my job, so I tolerate her.

She has several physical habits that annoy the living shit out of me. The first, and the most disgusting, is this snot-sucking-swallowing thing that she does every few minutes. I can't imagine how much snot she could possibly have jammed in her sinus cavity that it requires her to suck it up and then swallow it (god, I am gagging thinking about it) dozens of times a day. But she does. Loud enough for the entire office to hear.

She has dozens of bottles of vitamins at her desk, that she takes all day long. She has one of those huge seperated daily pill dispensers that old people have to remind them to take their pills every day, only hers is filled with every goddamn vitamin and supplement possible. She also claims to hate water (which is new, she never used to have this disdain for water that she does now), so every time she takes one of these 13549 pills she makes this face and does this big theatrical production of how much she hates it, but has "to do it to be healthy."

Sometimes she talks with her mouth open. This disgusts me. She's 32. She knows better than to talk while she's chewing on whatever low-carb crap she's eating. She also eats a giant spoonful of peanut butter every afternoon, and it reminds me of that milk commercial where the kid is sitting on the front porch, and the dog starts licking the kid's spoon of peanut butter. It's just like that.

She and her boyfriend, Sucker, just got a puppy. She sent out an email to all her friends announcing the arrival of the dog, complete with photos of the dog. The dog has a first, middle, and hyphenated last name. Maxim Samuel Sucker-Celestia. I find it coincidental that the poor dog has the same name as Sucker's favorite magazine.

When I got Ike, I didn't consider naming him Entertainment Weekly or Rolling Stone. But whatever. She talks about this dog INCESSANTLY. To everyone. Even if no one asks about him (and no one does), she tells everyone what cute thing he did while Sucker was sleeping, or how he cries every time she leaves for work, or how he makes this cute whimpering sound when Sucker plays with him.

Awwww.

Sweet, right? Not so much. Sucker takes the dog with him to work every day, and every day, during one of the 8540 times he calls her during the day, she talks to the dog. On the phone. THE DOG.

WHO CAN'T TALK BACK.

Don't get me wrong. I love my pets. But I don't call my house during the day to ask Ike, "Are you being a silly boy? Are you a great big silly billy? Who's my big boy?" And do it in that goofy pet owner voice. I do talk to Ike like an idiot, and tell him how pretty he is, and how much I love him, but I do at home, where no one else can hear it and mock me for it later online in their journal.

I did get to have a little fun at her expense today, though. She is a health freak/hypochondriac. She constantly thinks she's sick, she's always going to the doctor, and she's always trying whatever the vitamin/supplement industry is telling her is the only thing that will keep her alive, and taking every vitamin known to man to fight off cancer. She's always talking about how she doesn't eat chemicals, and no artificial sweetners, and how chocolate makes her crazy (she really tries to say it's chocolate that makes her act like a psycho), blah blah blah.

Yet, she spends every free minute of her time out in the sun.

Anyway. So she's talking to Princess today about this berry-flavored water that she's drinking, and how it tastes so good, but has no carbs, preservatives, or chemicals of ANY kind. And they couldn't understand how with no sugar, it tasted so good. Celestia also said that she can detest even the slightest artificial flavoring in her drink.

So I decided to freak her the fuck out.

"Hey, you know, Celestia, that because of loopholes and technicalities in the FDA, some chemicals can legally be called 'natural flavor,' even though they're made in a lab."

"That's not true. How do you know that?"

"I read it in that book 'Fast Food Nation' that I read a couple of years ago. You can borrow it if you want."

"That can't be true."

"You're right. Eric Schlosser probably just published a book taking on the fast food industry that was completely without merit and based in lies. I am sure he could get away with that."

"Well, I don't think it's true."

"Where do you think that berry flavor came from? Does it say any specific berries in the ingredients?"

So then she looked at the label again, waiting for the word "raspberries and strawberries" to magically appear. But it didn't.

"No." And she flipped out, and spit out the drink she took and threw all of it away, and started panicking.

She probably cried when she got home.

I'm sure it doesn't make me look like a very nice person when I get such pleasure in freaking her out, but I can't help it. And, if you knew our history (which I did write about, but I'm too lazy to link the three Celestia history entries), you'd understand.

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So, I was at Target on Saturday, and I found out while perusing the girly aisle that there are some spunky new tampons on the market.




And, each absorbency has a different sassy chick on the box! And, each tampon has a cute little menstrual joke on the wrapper, like, "I have PMS. What's your excuse?"

Fantastic.

Did you know that when you shop at Target your shopping experience is recorded and coded with your transaction on the security cameras?

When I got home and looked at the receipt, I realized they charged me double for two items, and went to ask for my money back. The idiot behind the counter informed me that I had to wait for the security cameras to show if I bought two of each or not.

So I had to wait while they made sure I only bought one box of tampons (you boys must really be enjoying all this tampon talk!) and one stupid razor.

Nothing like having someone who's barely mastered the English language make you feel like an international terrorist over $14.