Woo. Happy birthday to me.

Today's my birthday. I have really come to loathe the whole birthday deal.

I really used to enjoy celebrating my birthday, but the older I get, it's not so fun. See, after a long, terrible, dibilatating battle with lung cancer, my grandmother was buried on my 20th birthday. Losing her was just about the most horrible thing ever - aside from losing my uncle (her son) to the very same disease, when I was 15. Those two events shaped my life in a way no other events have since, or probably ever will. Fucking cancer.

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I was really hoping Jason would come over here and stick it to me for my birthday, but that doesn't appear to be happening, seeing as how it's 10:26 p.m. and I am sitting here typing instead of getting laid. In fact, I haven't even heard from him today. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday, the bastard.

It's 10:41. I need some action, damn it.

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Speaking of getting some action, Sunday night I saw The Hot Egyptian. I haven't seen him in months, and I got a little agressive when we were chatting online and told him to get over to my place. Man, that guy is fucking hot. Way hotter than I ever thought this fat girl would get. He is yummy.

Unfortunately, his hot ass face and body are just about the extent of my attraction to him. He is 28 years old, lives with his sister and brother-in-law, still lets his family run his life, refuses to get serious with anyone but a nice Egyptian girl (because his parents will cut him off if he brings home a non-Egyptian), and is super-religious. I don't have any problem with people who are religious, it's just not necessarily my thing. I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore than he does with me, but we still have some fun every now and then.

I might as well have some sort of fun while I am searching for that one good, decent man all of my girlfriends keep telling me is out there.

Lying bitches.

Sexed up and stood up.

In five days, I am going to be 31. As strange as this may sound, I never thought I would be this old. Does that make sense? Eh, probably not. Most of the shit I say never does.

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So I got me some hot Jason lovin' the other night, and man oh man, does that boy know how to make a girl feel good. There's no insecurity with Jason. He never makes me feel like I am anything less than completely sexy, and he tells me over and over how much he loves the things I do to him. At this point, he can pretty much talk me into anything. And he knows it. The only drawback is that since I am not the only person he sees, I don't get that hot lovin' nearly as often as I'd like (which is, um, every single day - sometimes repeatedly). But, until he realizes that he's madly in love with me, or one of the jackholes I go out with suddenly turn out to be a decent and normal human being, I'll take what I can get of him.

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And speaking of the jackholes I go out with (or don't, in this case), I found yet another reason to despise the guys online. I met a guy online a while back, and we have been playing the whole bullshit chat-get-to-know-you game for a while now, and he has asked me to meet several times. Well, the first time we were supposed to meet he got some weird stomach bacteria thingy and was sick as hell for a few weeks, so we rescheduled. Well, the day for our date came and went, and I have not heard shit from this guy.

This is not the first time something like this has happened to me with a guy online. Why go through all the bullshit of telling a girl you want to meet, when you really never intend to? Why waste your time? I mean, if you only want to chat online, that is one thing. I am down with that. But don't fucking string me along and say all this goddamned sweet shit to me online and on the phone and then completely flake out and disappear on me. I guess that proves that you really know nothing about people when you only chat with them online. Well, that's not completely true. I have many online friends that I know and love, this fuckhead just made me bitter. Damn him.

I never trust guys that will take your number but won't give theirs in return - ever. He never gave me his number. I should have known better. Fucker.

So, between that guy, and my horrible date guy from before, I am batting a thousand over here. Ugh.

Someone save me, please.

Bad dates, bad husbands... good times.

Well, the insanity continues over in these parts.


First, I had a HORRIBLE offline with this guy Thursday night. We had planned on meeting twice before, but once he flaked on me, and then I flaked on him. Well, I wish he would have flaked on me again.


So he shows up at my house, and sits on the couch opposite me. Nice. That made me feel really good, especially since I was already feeling nervous and self-conscious as hell. Then, my four-month old kitten Boo was trying to play with him, and he kept pushing her away and throwing toys at her, which I didn't really care for, but I knew he was allergic to cats, so I didn't get too upset. Finally I took the cat and locked her in the bedroom so she would be out of his hair. Then he starts asking me if he was going to get some, or at least get some head, and I was trying to be all cute and flirty and said something like, "Oh, I don't know... we'll have to see how good you are first", and he flipped out and started cursing and saying he could never ever be in a relationship with someone that couldn't give him a straight answer, and how hated the phrases "maybe" and "I don't know". Great. After NO conversation was happening whatsoever, he asks me (I hate guys who don't just fucking take charge and DO IT already) if I want him to come and sit by me. So, wanting him to kiss me because the curiosity was killing me, I said of course I wanted him to come and sit by me. So he comes over, and starts to kiss me. Badly. Really, really badly. That is about the worst thing in the world to me, people. If a guy is a bad kisser, it's just not going to go anywhere.


Then he starts manhandling my breasts like he's trying to open a jar of pickles, and I blurt out "Ouch!". He gets mad and goes back to the other couch. About five minutes later, his allergies kick in, he says he has to work early, and goes home. He hugged me, but didn't kiss me goodbye (which is good I suppose). I haven't talked to him since. I hate guys who are SO good on the phone and then suck ass in person.


At times like these I fucking hate being single.

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Almost two weeks ago, one of my best friends, Angela, had her first baby, Jack (who is goddamned adorable, I might add). Well, Jack is at home, and Angela is still in the hospital. She had a C-section, and had some complications, and it looks like if they can't find what it is, they are going to have to open her back up (!!!) to fix it. The worst thing is her useless fucking moron of a husband Barney (yes, that's his real name, people). He hasn't done shit in terms of spending time with the baby OR his wife, instead he's gone back to work and gone back to the routine of being a lazy good-for-nothing fuck that he has always been, letting his mother-in-law (who finished fighting cancer just a few months ago), sleep over and cook, do his laundry, feed and take care of the baby. During the days, Kay, me, and our other girlfriend The Good Girl take care of the baby and try to keep Angela's spirits up as much as we can, and it's not easy. She is completely freaked out by her complications, and the fact that she can only see her baby an hour a day. She is also horrendously upset at the fact Barney hasn't stepped it up one bit to be a man and be a father to his fucking son. We are all so infuriated by his behavior, that Kay is going to give it to him and let him know he's a jackass today. I hope she lays it on thick, cause if she doesn't, I will. I knew that guy was a dumb fuck to begin with, I just had no clue it went this far.

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I haven't seen Jason in almost two weeks, and it's killing me. The bad kisser on Thursday only made me want him more. That boy...Oh my.

Is it Mormon enough for ya?

Well, I survived the dreaded family get-togethers this weekend. First, I had the Mormon cousin's wedding reception, which really was just scary. My clever girlfriend sent me an email that said, "Mormons are almost as scary as the scientologists. Don't go back there, man." And she was right. I can't even tell you the degree of heebeejeebees I was feeling during this party (can it really be called a party if there is no music and not one drop of alcohol?). Those people exist in a Stepford-type world all their own, and that freaks me the fuck out. I mean, I was joking around with my sister and told her to shutup, and everyone around me stopped talking and stared at us like we were the crazy ones. Although, there was one funny moment when my non-Mormon uncle said to my sister and I, "Is it warm enough for ya?", and both my sister and I thought he said "is it Mormon enough for ya?". Hey, the laughs at this party were few and far between. I had to take them where I could get them.

Reunited and it feels so good.

It has been a crazy time for me lately. First, I developed a horrific kidney infection that stemmed from a urinary tract infection (that I didn't even know I had, believe it or not) and missed a week of work. Which sucked. I have not been sick like that in I don't even know how long, so I was not doing so good. Thank god for my sister, Jackie, and Kay, for taking care of my sorry ass. It really wrecked me. I am still feeling fatigued as a result of that.


Then, after some truly fucking fantastic (I am pretty sure at this point ALL my neighbors know we made up now) make-up sex with Jason Monday night, Tuesday morning I woke up with another damned urinary tract infection! I think in my whole life, I had one when I was a kid, and then in the last month I have had two. Which led me to do some investigating... and I found that spermicide in condoms can cause some women to develop those infections. Great. It's bad enough Jason is allergic to latex so we have to use polyeurithane (isn't that what people seal their decks with?!?!) condoms, now we have to find low spermicide polyeurithane condoms. Great.

It's a good thing that boy is so goddamned good in the sack.

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I have two stress-inducing family events this weekend. The first is my cousin's (on Mom's side) wedding reception (notice how I didn't say wedding? That's because thanks to her Mormon religion, the rest of her non-Mormon family aren't allowed in the church), which is going to be about a hundred lunatic Mormons and my parents, sister and me. I am all about religious freedom, people, but I have some issues with this particular group. And that's all I have to say about that.

The second event is another cousin's (on real Dad's side) baby shower. I used to be super-close to this side of my family, but now I only see them a couple of times a year, and I find myself judging them more and more. Which I don't like to admit, but it's the truth. But they live up to most of the white trash stereotypes... Which isn't bad necessarily. It's more funny than anything else. They're good people, and would give me every dime they had if I really needed it. I guess I can't ask for more than that, right?

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Today was Kay's son RAM's 5th birthday, which I can not believe. Time is flying by!! That little kid is the closest thing to my own kid as I think I'll ever get, and I love the shit out of him. We went to dinner at this bbq restaurant that he loves (it's called Lucille's, but he calls it "The Flying Pig" because there is a pig hanging from the ceiling in the bar. See how fucking awesome this kid is??). I adore that little angelface.


My AOL date flaked. Fucker.