Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

Last night, as I was driving home from Kay and DMX’s house with my friend Briton, we realized as the only two single people left in our group, we are never going to find significant others that will fit in with our group. We are so tight-knit, especially the four of us, that trying to make someone else understand all of our little inside jokes would probably be a futile effort.

It’s hard to explain, but we are so close, and know each other so well, that other people just don’t get it. Briton has brought girls around before, and they never fit in. It’s not that we intentionally try to exclude anyone new, because it’s not like that at all, but we’ve known each other so long, that we all fit each other in this weird perfect way. Kay, and our other friend Angela, have been trying furiously to get Briton and I to get together, and eliminate the whole problem of trying to find someone that thinks the same retarded things we laugh at are funny. But the little issue of neither one of us being attracted to the other is a little problem. Plus, I know too much about him. I hear all his dirty manwhore stories. I have seen him so drunk he’s pissed himself. I sat and watched him spend $200 on lap dances because he was convinced the stripper was hot for him. Any man who’s not bright enough to realize that’s her job is not the man for me. But none of that will deter Kay from her little matchmaking schemes. She’s relentless.

I can't decide if that makes us clique-y or not, but after reading that back, it looks like we are. Like the four of us are "Heathers" or something. Heh. Well, if we are, I am not being the Shannen Doherty Heather. I don't look good in green.

---

More stimulating conversation with a five year old:

RAM: TT, are you coming over here for lunch tomorrow? My Mom said she is making us lunch.
ME: That depends. What is she making?
RAM: Bend over and I’ll show ya.

Nice.

It’s probably not a good idea to let your kid hang out with you while you and all your friends are drinking all the time. They tend to pick up certain parts of the conversations that they shouldn’t. He also ends the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme with “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty’s fat ass together again.” When he says stuff like this, everyone laughs and thinks it’s funny. I don’t think it’s so funny, but since it’s not my kid, I don’t care. I just can’t wait for the day he busts one of these gems out on his kindergarten teacher in Catholic school.

---

Ok… did anyone else see the band on Saturday Night Live this week? I think they were called Scissor Sister, or something like that. Well… I don’t even know what to make of them. The singer was this flamboyantly spandex-clad guy singing, and there was a fringe-y dressed chick singing with him. And the songs were terrible. Did I miss something? Did bad 70’s type music make a comeback and no one told me? Am I so old now that I am no longer on the cutting edge of music that is cool? Well, if I used the phrase “cutting edge,” then I’m probably not. Damn it.

Call me, Brad.

I was having what was sure to turn into a hot dream about one of the Diarylanders I read when I was awakened by a phone call from Kay.

Damn her. And it was just getting good.

---

I am happy to report that I have a date set for me to go back to work. Thank god. So I’ve only got two weeks left to enjoy this delicious mind-numbing boredom that I have been in for the last two months.

I stopped by my office yesterday to share the news of my return with the people there that I actually like. Celestia, my evil office nemesis, went out of her way to ignore and pretend she didn’t see me, which is fine. The less I have to deal with her, the better. But no matter what office I was in, she made sure that there was something urgent that needed to be taken care of with whoever’s office I was in. Fucking bitch.

Margie, the crazy Nicaraguan receptionist from downstairs who is doing my job in my absence, says that Celestia has approached her on several occasions and tried to convince her that they should tell my boss how good they can get along without me, and how unnecessary I am. Nice.

I seriously can not believe I was ever friends with this psychotic bitch.

---

I am so sick of the details of Brad and Jen’s divorce that I think I may throw up. I mean, is it so shocking that two gigantically famous stars married each other and now it’s over? Do we really need to force Angelina Jolie to make a public statement denouncing her involvement in the split? Or to know that Jen’s selfish career-driven ass didn’t want to wreck her perfect figure to pop out Brad’s kid?

Who cares. Please People, US, Star magazine… find some other hacky celebrities to put on the cover. Paris Hilton just got caught stealing her own sex tape! Isn’t that worth some cover space? Kirstie Ally is fat and miserable (which I am pretty sick of, by the way… either get on the treadmill and shut the fuck up or learn to like yourself, Kirstie) and crying about it to anyone that will listen. Isn’t that good enough?

However, to show that I am not a complete heartless bitch, I would like to offer my services to Brad to help him get through this tough time. Call me, Brad. I'll make you forget all about that skinny bitch.

Conversations with a five year old.

As I have stated a million times before, I adore my best friend Kay's son, RAM. He's the coolest kid on the planet, and probably the closest thing I'll ever have to a child of my own. Sometimes, I can't believe some of the shit this kid says.

---

Saturday, we were all hanging out at Kay's watching football, and I was talking to her five year-old son, RAM. We were having our usual chit-chat - I asked him what he learned in school, and he asked me why I was the only one without a husband. Who says they're not angels?

Me: So what did you learn in school yesterday?
RAM: Miss Judy said we don't have to go to school Monday because a brown man got shot in the head.

At this point I didn't know if laughing out loud at that meant that I was going to hell or not, so I didn't.

Me: A brown man?
RAM: Yeah. We saw pictures, and he was brown. His name is Mark Burger King.

---

Sunday, again, watching football at Kay's. RAM knows that I have had surgery, and what it is for. We were all sitting around a table with chips, and dips, and all other assortments of crappy football party food.

RAM: TT(that's what he calls me). Take this.
Me: What is this?

He handed me a folded up paper towel, and in it were chips, candy, and about five cookies, none of which he was allowed to have.

RAM: Don't tell my Mom. Tell her it's yours.
Me: You want me to lie to your Mom?
RAM: Yeah. She told me if I had any more cookies she was going to kick my butt, so if you tell her they're yours, she won't get mad at me.
Me: But she knows I don't eat this food.
RAM: I know. Mom told me if you eat this your stomach will blow up in your body and you'll go back in the hospital and have tubes in your nose and your arms again.
Me: See... now why would I lie and say it's mine if that could happen?
RAM: Because you love me. Don't let my Mom kick my butt, TT. If you love me, you'll do it.

How in the hell does a fucking five year-old already know how to play the guilt card like that? I swear to god, he's a little evil genius.

---

This afternoon, Kay, RAM, and I were at the pet store getting crap for my cats and their dog (who sadly, Kay named after Jessica Simpson, her lesbian fantasy).
RAM and I always like to look at the animals for a while before we go.

RAM: TT, look at this spider.
Me: No way!! I don't like spiders.
RAM: Me either. Who the hell wants a spider for a pet?

I swear, that's exactly how he said it... like I said, he's a genius! I wish I was slick enough to talk like that when I was five.

Me: I don't know. People who like spiders?
RAM: Uh, yeah, maybe FREAKS who like spiders. They are wackos.
Me: They're not wackos just because they like spiders (secretly I think they are, but we're molding a mind here). That's not nice.
RAM: But you said people who have rats as pets are wackos. Remember? When we took Jessie (the lesbian fantasy dog) to the doctor and the lady had a rat on her shoulder? You said she was a wacko.
Me: Whatever. You win.

Little bastard. I forget that their tiny brains retain EVERY FUCKING THING that they hear people say, and just love to throw it in your face later.

He has a brilliant career as a defense lawyer ahead of him.

Spice up your life!

I am bored.

I have been off work since the beginning of November, and I don't quite know what to do with myself anymore. I have read every magazine and book and watched every DVD I own at least three times. I am frustrated and I want to go back to work. I never thought I would say that, but it's true. I can't stand daytime TV. I am online most of the day trying to pass the time, and even that is getting to feel mundane. I mean, how much porn can a girl look at in one day?

I watched "Spice World," for fuck's sake.

Somebody, please, help me.

---

I hate reality tv. Can't stand it. Which is why I almost strangled Kay when she forced me to watch the first episode of "The Surreal Life" on VH1. After watching that, I am not quite sure what to say, except that I am ashamed to say I will watch it again. Chyna (formerly of the WWF), who has had so much plastic surgery that her face doesn't move, is drunk during the whole episode, and does what looks to be masturbating with a thigh-master.

It's a D-list celebrity train wreck. Good stuff indeed.

Dammit. I hate reality tv.

---

After weeks of non-stop rain, it is FINALLY dry and sunny around here. Jesus, I didn't think it was ever going to stop. Unfortunately, because of all the rain, there are mudslides in some places, and people are losing their homes (and so far 10 people have died). Even though I made light of the rain and the retarded newscasters earlier, people are losing their homes and all of their possessions (and in some cases their lives), and that sucks.

---

Yesterday, coming out of the grocery store, I noticed a woman and a pre-teen-ish looking girl arguing in the parking lot. While I was loading my crap into my car, I heard her yelling at the girl. At one point, I saw her slap the girl. Then she kicked her. I was about two rows over from where they were standing, but a bunch of people walked by them in the time that the slap and the kick happened, and nobody did or said anything, which kind of bothered me. I mean, I am not about to jump in anyone's business about how to raise their kids, but when you're slapping and kicking your kid in public, you're asking for someone to get in your face.

That someone is not me.

I am a giant pussy. I avoid confrontation at all costs. Since we live in a day when some whack jobs carry guns around with them, I decided to stay the hell out of it, but also decided that this crazy bitch shouldn't be allowed to just beat the hell out of her kid in the parking lot, either (I should tell you that at the point I decided to go in, she had hit her a few times). So I went into the store and asked for the manager.

Me: I need to speak to the manager.
Retard Employee: Is this regarding a cashier? Did you have a problem with a cashier?
Me: No, there's some lunatic beating her kid in your parking lot.
RE: Did she hit you?
Me: No, she's ABUSING HER CHILD.

So RE goes and comes back a minute later with the manager.

Manager: Can I help you ma'am? (fuck him for calling me ma'am... I am still a miss, dammit)
Me: Yeah. There's a crazy woman beating her kid in your parking lot. You might want to go out there.
Manager: Did she hit you? (the fact that two people asked me that leads me to believe a lot of people must get assaulted in the parking lot)
Me: No. She's hitting her daughter. I saw her hit her at least four or five times.
Manager: And what is it that you want me to do?
Me: Well, how about you go out there and tell her to stop? Or leave? I mean, you're the manager... aren't you responsible for what happens here?
Manager: Can you describe the woman for me? (holy shit this guy is a moron)
Me: Yeah. She's the one beating up her kid.

The manager goes out, and he talks to the woman, and she starts screaming at the manager to "stay the fuck" out of her business, and if she wants to
"beat the living hell" out of her kids, then that's just what she was going to do. The manager threatened to call the police, so the lady threw the kid into the backseat of the car, and then screamed at her, "Do you think I am made of money? Do you think I can just buy you everything you want?" Then she slammed the door shut, lit a cigarette and smoked it. After she flipped off the manager and told him to mind his "own fucking business."

Nice.

Originality? No way!

I was going to steal this entry from Loopy, but then I saw she actually suggested I do it.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1) SickOfSublime
2) TheDonkeyPunch69
3) AndriaL24

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) I have an excellent sense of humor.
2) I'm smart (most of the time).
3) I am open-minded.

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) I procrastinate.
2) I curse like a sailor.
3) I can't let go of a grudge.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1) English
2) American Indian
3) White Trash

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1) Airplanes.
2) Clowns.
3) Dick Cheney.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1) Diet Coke
2) Internet
3) Cheese

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1) Pink t-shirt
2) Black pants
3) Blue slippers

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1) Damien Rice
2) Interpol
3) The Killers

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1) "A Boy Named Sue" - Johnny Cash
2) "Mr. Brightside" - The Killers
3) "What You Waiting For" - Gwen Stefani

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1) Joining a gym and actually GOING.
2) Use my credit cards less.
3) Stop putting everything off until the last possible minute.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1) Humor
2) Respect
3) Honesty

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1) I used to hang out with thugs and as a result was on People's Court.
2) I met Jim Carrey when he was working Hollywood Blvd dressed like a hooker.
3) I once ate at a restaurant, not knowing it was owned and operated by the Church of Scientology.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1) Height
2) Smell good
3) Nice teeth

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1) Math
2) Walk for any length of time without knocking something (or myself) over
3) Eat fish

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1) Reading
2) Chatting with strange people online
3) People watching

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1) Clean my house*
2) Lose more weight*
3) Suddenly be ultra-mega rich*

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1) Teacher
2) Marketing Consultant
3) Accountant (in spite of the fact that I am
mathematically challenged... thank god for calculators)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1) London
2) Ireland
3) Italy

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1) Rebecca
2) Andrew
3) Michael

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) Get over my fear of flying
2) Weigh my normal-for-my-height weight
3) Meet someone and fall madly in love

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1) I am messy.
2) I hate dresses and most girly things.
3) I curse... A LOT.

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1) I love, love, love purses.
2) I am addicted to my lip gloss.
3) I have two cats.

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1) Vince Vaughan
2) Jon Stewart
3) Justin Timberlake (shutup, I admit it)

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1) wishiwasout
2) Mrs. Mitchell
3) incogneat-o

*Ok, I totally stole Loopy's answers here. They all fit me perfectly.

Tag your man.

Oh. My. God. Today I saw something on television that blew my mind and left me speechless. I was flipping around, and came across this show called "Dance 360." I don't know if you have seen this show, but if you haven't, I'll break it down: Two cheesy hosts (one of them is one of the "Goodburger" guys) pick someone out of this group on the stage to dance for like, 10 or 15 seconds. After about 7 or 8 people have been chosen, they just start dancing and competing for the grand prize of (I hope you're sitting down for this) $360. What a goddman train wreck this show is. Awesome.

The whole time I kept waiting for someone to yell out "You got served!!" But no one did.

Damn it.

---

I was babysitting RAM for Kay this morning (she may be a homophobe but she's still my friend), and he came running out of the bedroom with one of the toys he got for Christmas. It was this toy power drill my sister gave him.

So he comes up to me, drill in hand, and says, "TT, you need a screw."

"Kid, you have no idea."

---

I wasn't going to respond, but someone left a comment yesterday that bugged me a little. He failed to leave his email or URL, so that tells me how committed to his comment he is (he also left a comment in another diary spouting similar rhetoric).

My problem with people like him is this: he'll spout the right's side NO MATTER WHAT IT IS. Be it people on the right or the left, it bothers the shit out of me when they just tow the party line no matter what the issue is.

Think for yourself. Don't say it because Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore told you to.

Insert clever title here.

A while back, I wrote about a right-wing intolerant fuck who was driving around with a bunch of jerky stickers on his car.

Today, Kay and I were driving back from Trader Joe's and that very guy pulled up next to us. I got just as heated and pissed off today as I did the first time I saw this guy, and started going off on this rant to Kay about what a dick he was. Kay then proceeded to actually start defending this guy. WHAT THE FUCK???

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She has gotten a bit more conservative over the years, but to defend someone so blatantly homophobic really disturbed me, and I told her that. She then told me that being gay was wrong, and blah, blah, blah. I was so surprised (and angry) that I really didn't hear most of what she was saying. But I did manage to hear her say that if I were gay, she would let me come around her son, RAM, but I wouldn't be allowed to talk about being gay or ever bring around my girlfriend. Even though I am not gay, this really pissed me off, and I didn't really say anything else to her after that. I dropped her off at her house and came home, feeling totally let down.

Someone has brainwashed my friend. I am going to have to delete the Fox News Channel from her channel line-up when she's not looking.

---

So I went to watch The Orange Bowl (I am sure OU fans are still crying... ouch) with some friends the other night, and was delirious with glee when the ENTIRE CROWD booed Ashlee Simpson. I really wish this would happen more often (is that mean?). Maybe it would encourage her, and the other talentless nimrods that are all over the radio now to go back to the trailor park and get off my car stereo.

They're wasting air time that could be taken up by Avril Lavigne or Good Charlotte. You know, good music.

Yeah. Right.

New Years', schizophrenics, and anal lovers.

It's not fun being the only sober person at a New Year's Eve party. Since I can't drink for a while, I was forced into sobriety while everyone else partied. Which isn't so bad, I suppose, since I didn't wake up feeling like some rabid Hell's Angel beat the hell out of me and then tied me to the back of his bike and drug me down the road for a few miles - which is usually how my NYE hangovers feel. That I did not miss.

However, things that everyone else is laughing at just aren't quite as funny when you're not as bombed as they are. For instance, when your drunk mother pretends she's giving your best friend's husband a lap dance while trying to make out with him. Now, some of you may be thinking \"Wow, Andria! Your parents sound like fun to party with! They're way better than my stick-up-their-ass parents!\" Yeah, well, the grass is always greener, people. My Mom gets loaded and tries to kiss on DMX, Kay's husband, and my Dad gets hammered and tries to talk to anyone that will listen about ANYTHING that is long-winded, boring, and non-sensical. Oy... it's much easier to deal with when you've had three or eleven drinks.

But all that excitement was short-lived, because at 11:45 my sister Jackie called me because she was drunk, and needed me to pick her up. She and her jerkass boyfriend got into yet another fight and broke up at the party they were at. This happens about once a week. I didn't want to do it, but at the same time I don't like to hear my sister cry, and I definitely didn't want her driving. So, I spent my New Year's consoling my sister, and secretly plotting ways to kill her boyfriend and make it look like an accident. He has taken an intelligent, beautiful girl and turned her into a walking eating disorder with no self-esteem. I could yell at her about this guy til I am blue in the face, but she's 19, and as far as she's concerned, he is the only other person alive.

Thank god I am not that young anymore. Hallelujah 30's.

---

This morning, while driving back from my doctor's office, I saw a license plate frame that I didn't quite understand. The top of it said "I am not a princess", and the bottom said "I am the princess". Now... what the fuck? Am I dense? Do I just not get it? What in the hell does it mean?

Maybe it should say "I am not a schizophrenic" and then "I am the schizophrenic".

I also saw a license plate the other day that said (I swear to god) "ANLLVR". Now, I don't know what you see, but to me, someone's advertising that they love getting it in the dirty place. Which is all fine and good, I don't judge. But I also wouldn't put it on my license plate for the whole world to see.

But that's just me.

Everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn't I?

Well, everyone else is doing this year-end wrap up entry, so I will too.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
I seriously took charge of my health and decided I was better than this crappy existence I had been living in.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
New Year's resolutions suck donkey ass. No one keeps them, so I don't make them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. One of my best friends, Angela, had a sweet little baby, Jack, in September. Massive drama ensued.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?
Uh... I barely left the city I live in, let alone the country. Does Las Vegas count?

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More confidence in myself . Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me. Yeah.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Since I have the memory of a gnat (which I assume is incredibly short, but I have no idea really), nothing is really etched in it, except September 8, when Angela
had Jack, and November 5, when I had my surgery.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not killing my evil co-worker, Celestia. God knows she deserves it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't really think I had a big failure... I may have to think about this one.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Oh, lord. I had a massive kidney infection in August, and have been dealing with infections and complications from my surgery for the last two months.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Besides cheese? Probably my digital camera.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine. Because like I said, that bitchwhore Celestia is lucky I didn't go all Jackie Chan on her ass.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
GW and his whole administration of homophobic Jesus freaks.

14. Where did most of your money go?
CD's (I buy CD's like most women buy shoes), iced vanilla lattes, and lip gloss.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing Jason naked for the first time. Lovely.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Unfortunately, it's "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" by Big & Rich. Kay's husband, DMX loves country music, and everytime we hang out, he plays this god-forsaken CD over, and over, and over. Thank god it's not Toby Keith anymore, though. I'm ready to put a boot in HIS ass.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier, but I reserve the right to change my mood at any time.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, but not by much.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being lazy and/or procrastinating.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with my insane family and on Christmas Eve, and Christmas day with Mom, Dad, and sister Jackie. It was excellent.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
No, but I fell in heavy lust.

22. How many one-night stands?
Um... if I tell the truth on this do I look like a total whore? Alright... actually, none. 2003 is a WHOLE other story.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Arrested Development, Rescue Me, The Simpsons.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope... the people I hate this year I have hated for a while.

25. What was the best book you read?
"How to make love like a porn star" by Jenna Jameson. Very informative. It just goes to show that just because you have no mother, aren't loved by your father, and get sexually assaulted more than once, that you're not destined to have a career in... oh wait. Yeah, she did.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Killers was the best CD I think I have bought in a LONG time, so I will say that.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
City of God. Excellent movie. Also, I saw this crazy silent French movie from 1928 (I think) about Joan of Arc that was pretty amazing.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to Benihana (Japanese restaurant) with my friends and family, drank way too many sake bombs, and then we all went back to my friend DB's house for drunken merriment. I am 31.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More making out and sex. Duh.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Black.

33. What kept you sane?
Writing in my journals and my lunatic friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Vince Vaughan, for the 7th year in a row... I love him.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The ridiculous election... which I still can't believe turned out the way it did.

36. Who did you miss?
I don't know that I missed anyone really... everyone I love I have with me. I always miss my Grandmother, though.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My lovely new friend, Mrs. Mitchell.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Uh... I don't think I learned a valuable life lesson.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl.. with a feather in her hair, and a dress cut down to there." I don't know... no song lyrics sum up my year. But I always love to quote Copacabana whenever I can.

I hope you all had an excellent New Year... mine was terrible, and I was driving at midnight. But more on that later... I am too tired to recap the crap night I had right now.