Today is the first day of my life. Or some shit like that.

Today I am feeling nervous and anxious like I haven’t felt in a really long time. I can’t concentrate on any work long enough to get anything done.

See… about six months ago, I started the process of getting approval from my insurance for gastric bypass surgery. Since it is not covered initially, many steps and about a thousand bizarre medical tests have to be done to determine whether or not they will cover it. They have denied me twice already, requesting additional info, and now they have everything they want, and I may hear back from them today. My heart is racing.

This has been an incredible journey for me. My doctor initially proposed this surgery to me about two years ago, and I said no immediately. But I took a lot of time, did A LOT of research, and really thought long and hard about the quality of my life now versus the quality of life after the surgery.

So, in spite of all my fear about having major surgery to redirect and dissect my digestive system, I met with the surgeon my doctor recommended and began the pre-operative process, along with waiting for my fucking insurance to come through. I haven’t told many people about it, except for my very close friends, my sister, and Mom and Dad. I will tell my family and co-workers when (and if) I get approval. I don’t want to have to deal with peoples’ negative attitudes toward this procedure if I don’t have to.

I have been fat for so long, I don’t know what it’s going to be like to not carry all of this weight around with me anymore. I have tried and tried since I was 14 to lose weight, and I have failed at some point every time. I have had an assload of medical problems, all that can pretty much be fixed by this surgery. I don’t want anyone to tell me that this is an easy way out, or that I am too lazy to do it on my own. I have fought this my whole fucking life, and I don’t want to deal with anyone’s negativity.

God, I am a fucking mess of nerves right now.

Actually, the whole reason I am friends (well, mostly the reason) with the lovely Mrs. Mitchell is because I found her journal online and she mentioned “the surgery” a few times, and that is what initially made me email her. She has become an amazing friend and a great support during all of this, having gone through it herself. I am so grateful that I found that journal.

Wow… I do believe this is the first entry I have posted that doesn’t mention sex or contain one smartass comment.

Jesus… what the fuck is wrong with me????