Another entry about porn.

Since I have dumped the old porn and invested in some new smut lately, I have noticed a... disturbing trend (aside from midgets on tricycles).

The "money shot," as it used to be, no longer exists. Before, it was a guessing game of where the guy was going to pop.

Would it be on her ass?

Her chest?

Her stomach?

Oh, the suspense of it all!

Well, in every single scene I have watched recently, it's the same thing every time: on the girl's face, while she's sitting there with her mouth open, tongue hanging out. Then, if you're really lucky, she'll spit some of it back out, and you can see it dribble down her chin.

Speaking as a female porn fan, I don't like this. Experience has shown me that you boys love to leave your mark, which is fine, but something about coming on a chick's face every time just doesn't do it for me. Would it kill you guys to change it up a little?

...And since we're on the subject, I got a couple of new dvd's. Well, I only ordered one, but it came with a free one. It's called "Tera's Asian Love Palace," or some shit like that. I can't remember. Tera Patrick, like Jenna, no longer does scenes with men that are not her husband. She's married to Evan Seinfeld, who is in the punk band Biohazard, and if you watched Oz, you saw his cock often, because his character, Hoyt, was always in the hole (no pun intended). Neither one of them are particularly good actors, which makes the non-sex scenes somewhat painful and hilarious at the same time. He has too many tattoos for my taste.

And what is with all the goddamned storylines in porn? If I wanted a story, I'd watch Shawshank Redemption or The Godfather for the eleventy billionth time. People watch porno for a reason - to see people screwing. No one wants to see Jenna Jameson prove what a dramatic actress she is. If she was an actress, she wouldn't be in porn.

But I digress.

If you're into Asian chicks, it's a good enough movie. A lot of the girls didn't have the basketball-sized fake boobs that I hate, so that was a nice change, and there's some girl-on-girl action for those of you (cougheverymancough) who are into that.

There needs to be more hot men in porn. I think more women would get into it if the guys were better looking.

And less facials, dammit.

The second dvd is just some radomly thrown together "greatest hits" type of thing. There's nothing particularly noteworthy on it, except a scene from a Jenna Jameson movie called "Satyr," which is apparently some sort of mythological horse/beast/human thing. All I know is, this (not necessarily work-friendly) isn't sexy, it's just funny. I mean, they have horns sticking out of their heads, and a ton of fake hair stuck all over them, for fuck's sake. I am not sure exactly what demographic they are appealing to with this one.

Just show two relatively normal looking people doing it. With no cheesy music, no lame storyline, and no goofy costumes.

Is that too much to ask? I mean, I could go on all day about what gets me going, but I won't. Just can all the useless crap.

Maybe I am missing my calling... Andria: Porn Producer.

I need to stop talking about porn.

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And now for something completely different.

One of my many bosses was talking to me today, about ordering him a new stapler, and he randomly said, "I think I could be a good assassin. If you have no conscience, you would have no problem killing."

Um...

Note to self: DO NOT go to CFO Boss when asking for a raise.

Also at work today, I was at Celestia's desk talking to her about some pictures that she sent me, and I happened to notice on her Outlook calendar on her computer, it said "Thursday 5/5/05 - Start period."

She marks the start of her menstrual cycle on her work calendar. Why the fuck does she need to mark the day her period is starting, anyway? Let alone on your work computer, where people can see it in plain sight?!

Goddamn this chick is a nut. She is entertaining, I'll give her that.

What would I talk about without her?

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Well, I just wouldn't be Andria if I didn't add my two cents about this "runaway bride" skank. I think she should be strung up. I think she should be buried up to her head so people can throw rocks at her for letting her family think she was missing, or dead somewhere, for making people think her retarded fiance was the next Scott Peterson, and for wasting law enforcement money and manpower trying to find her, and most of all, for being every fucking place I look.

Starr "backfat" Jones said on The View today, that "we need to be kind to her..." and blah blah blah. Fuck that.

What gets me even more is that her nitwit fiance says he still wants to marry her.

People are so damned stupid.

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Last night I dreamed I was Shirley Manson, and that I was the new lead singer of New Order (one of my all-time favorites).

Take that, Bernard Sumner.

I made this cd of all gay music for that queer Dangerspouse, and I must say... I think I outdid myself with the Duran Duran, Culture Club, Wham, Erasure, etc. I may have to burn it for myself and irritate the shit out of my co-workers as I blast it incessantly at my desk.