I need new friends.

Want to know what stupidity looks like? It looks something like this:

That is my smart and beautiful friend Angela, and her idiot example of how to marry beneath yourself. Namely, her husband Barney. This picture is from Kay and DMX’s Christmas party, which was themed “bad Christmas sweaters.” But, being Barney, he made it X-rated, and if you look, you can see those Christmas characters are doing dirty things. Which is not what makes him a giant idiot (at least not the only thing), but that’s the only digital picture I have of him.

The more time I spend with them, the more I realize that Angela just heard her biological clock ticking, and he was there drooling all over her.

RAM’s tee ball game was yesterday afternoon, and Barney and Angela came, which they never do. After the game, which takes all of about 40 minutes, we were going out to dinner to this bbq place we all like. At the game, Barney the giant glutton ate the following (in the course of 45 minutes):

2 orders of nachos
French fries
Fritos with chili and cheese

At the restaurant we went to, they put biscuits on the table with apple butter while you wait. Barney grabbed one of the baskets of biscuits just for himself, and yelled at the waitress to bring a “shitload of REAL butter.” There were four children at the table with us.

When it came time to order, he ordered what is basically amounted to a cow on a plate: A rack of ribs, tri-tip, and steak. For his side orders, he almost cried when he found out they don’t have plain mashed potatoes, only garlic. So he threw a fit, and the waitress suggested a baked potato. He said ok, but to bring (you guessed it) a “shitload of butter.”

DMX and I were talking, and making jokes at Barney’s expense that he was too stupid to realize were about him, and then we were joking about Kay barking at DMX all the time to do chores and shit around the house, and I made a joke and said “that’s what you get for marrying a bar skank.” (Kay and DMX met at the bar we used to hang out at)

And DMX got me back and said, “Well, I guess it’s better than being an internet skank.” (which is what all my friends refer to me as)

We all laughed. Then Barney, the big dumbass, said he was going to IM me later that night and talk dirty to me and not tell me it was him (clever… I never would have had ANY idea it was him after he fucking told me he was going to do it). He asked me what my screen name was.

“Don’t fucking IM me at aol.com.”

I told him I wasn’t going to tell him my screen name, and even if I did, I have my preferences set so that only people on my buddy list can IM me, and he was not on my buddy list. Then he huffed and said “Hmmph. Fine. Whatever then.”

Angela overheard this and started freaking out because she thought I was going to partake in some dirty instant messaging with her disgusting husband. I think she almost started crying, but she stopped herself.

I should probably explain why she would bug out about this: When they first started dating, he jokingly said that he was going to leave Angela for me (yuck), and that I was his “girlfriend on the side.” He then saddled me with a nickname he has yet to forget: Muffin. You have no idea how I cringe every single time he calls me that. He has also told me he “loves” me, which also makes my skin crawl. He doesn’t tell any of our other friends he loves them. Eeww.

He is just the most disgusting, uncouth, immature retard on the planet. He drives me crazy. I curse DMX and Briton for jokingly inviting him to their Super Bowl party one year after they hadn’t seen him in years. He showed up to that party, met Angela, and he has been in my hair ever since.

Thanks, assholes.

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I was going to write about ending up at a strip club with Jason last night, but that’s a long story that I don’t feel like typing right now.

But it’s good.

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Michael31069: 38.
AndriaL24: Uh…
AndriaL24: 16?
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Michael31069: Cool. What’s the address?
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Michael31069: What? I am not really into all that stuff. I just want to fuck.
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Michael31069: Um I am not into all that. That’s for fags. I just want to fuck you.
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God bless the internet.