Celestia Part Three, or how I became a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Ok, so if you missed the first two nail-biting installments to the story of Celestia, click here and here.

In November 1997, I had a hugely serious near-death medical scare (I won’t go into detail, but if you really want to know, email me). I was in the critical-care unit, lucky to be alive (according to the doctor) with fucking nitro-glycerin being pumped into my body, had an oxygen tube in my nose, and was pissing through a tube in a bag. Celestia comes in the room and says, “You look like shit.” Later, my nurse, Charlene (who was awesome beyond words) came in and was talking to me, and told me that outside, in the waiting area, Celestia was talking to X (who was freaking out because I was almost DEAD) about breaking up with me, and how everyone would understand him breaking up with me, since no one (read: her) could understand why we were together in the first place. Charlene (the nurse) told me that he yelled at her to get out of his face, and not to talk to him anymore.

Kay and DMX got serious, and decided to move in together. Celestia didn’t like this, and told Kay that it wouldn’t work. Kay laughed, told her she was jealous, and she moved out. Celestia flipped out and told her over and over and over what a mistake it was, and how she was going to regret it, and blah blah blah, but then she helped her move.

With Kay out of her apartment, we saw less and less of Celestia. She and Dick still came around the bar, but it was different now, because no one really liked her anymore (although everyone still liked Dick). We still kept it friendly, but none of us went out of our way to talk to her if we saw her.

In late 1998, Dick finally broke down and proposed to Celestia. He told me over beers a few days after that he did it to get her off of his back, but that he never actually saw the wedding happening. I asked him why he didn’t just break up with her if he was so miserable, but in typical Dick fashion, he said she was a good in bed and a good cook. (Later he told me she was a dead lay, and that he only said that because he thought I would go back and tell her. I take great enjoyment in knowing that she sucks in bed, too. She should be a fucking porn star with as much experience as she’s had).

In January of 1999, Kay found out that she was pregnant with RAM. Which was a surprise, for sure, but still something everyone was happy about. Kay saw Celestia in the bar and told her that she was pregnant, and Celestia, without blinking an eye, told Kay to have an abortion, that she was fat and would have a miscarriage, that she got knocked up to trap DMX into marrying her, and that there was no way she could handle being a mother. Kay didn’t say anything back to her, but DMX had to calm her down and restrain her.

Want to know how fucking crazy she is?? The next day she showed up at Kay and DMX’s place with baby books, acting like nothing had happened.

Coockoo.

A few days later, we saw them at the mall, and Kay showed Celestia her engagement ring, and Celestia just looked at it and said “mine’s bigger.”

At this point, I have to tell you all that I have no idea if any of this will make sense. I am trying to put in order chronologically, but I start typing and don’t pay attention. So if it doesn’t make sense, well… tough. Now keep reading, dammit.

The summer before RAM was born was the summer X broke up with me. As I mentioned before, this was way beyond a crushing blow. This truly was the lowest I had ever remembered feeling, except for the death of my Uncle and my Grandmother. I was depressed, and stayed in my apartment for weeks, leaving only for work. When I finally did come out from under my bed and hit the bar to see my friends I hadn’t seen in a while, she was there with Dick.
I was talking to my friends Mongol and Turtle when she came up to me. I remember this conversation like it happened yesterday, because this was the very last thing that she said that I ever let hurt me, and I have hated her ever since.

“I heard about you and X.”

“Yeah.”

“You must be so sad. Who knows when you’ll find someone.”

“What?”

“Well, you know. It’s going to be hard to find someone else.”

“Why would it be hard? I found him, didn’t I?”

“Well, yeah. But he was your friend first.”

“If you’re trying to say something, then say it.”

“It’s just… hard… for girls like you.”

“Girls like me? What the fuck does that mean?” I knew exactly what it meant.

“Well, I suppose I could be a skinny girl who just lays there and sucks in bed, drives away all her friends, and acts like a psycho. It might be easier to get a guy that way".

What she said after that will not be printed here, because thinking about it makes me want to punch her, and well, I have to work with her. I also don’t want this to become a “poor Andria” story where I beg for encouragement from you guys, because that’s not what it is. It’s just an explanation of why I feel about her the way that I do.

I didn’t see or hear from her for a few months after that. I was at the bar one night, and she came in with Dick, and sat down right next to me. I didn’t talk to her at first. Her eyes were glassy, and I could tell that she was going to start crying. I have seen this trick before, so I wasn’t going to fall for it.

”Why do you and Kay hate me?” I think the fact that after all the shit she’d done (and truly, I think I’ve only reported half of it here) she had the nerve to ask that question proves just how fucking crazy this broad is.
“Are you serious, Celestia? Are you really asking me that?”
“Yeah. I don’t understand. I saw Kay at the grocery store and she just walked right by me.”

“Hmmm. Let’s think about it. On the happiest day of her life, you told her to abort her child. That just might have something to do with it. No one likes you because you’re miserable and jealous of everyone else.”
That’s about the extent of my memory of that conversation, but it ended with her running out of the bar in tears.
I didn’t see her again for a while.

The next time I saw her was around early 2000, right after I had quit my nanny job, and was having a hell of a time finding a new one. I knew that the crazy woman at her company could never hold on to staff (because she scared them all off), so I casually mentioned that I needed a job.
At this point, you are all probably asking yourself, “Why the fuck would this crazy bitch ask that other crazy bitch to get her a job where she has to be with her for eight fucking hours a day, every day?”

Good question.

The answer is desperation, and common sense. Yes, I hated her, and wanted to choke her every chance I got. BUT, she also worked at a great company, with good benefits. I also knew I would not be working with her directly, that she would be upstairs and I would be downstairs.

When I started at my company, I was a celebrity in my department because they all knew that I was friends with her, and I knew all her secrets. Everyone had questions, and the more I talked to them, the more I realized that Celestia had been talking such shit about Kay and I FOR YEARS to people who didn’t even know me. She told them things about me that they had no business knowing. She said horribly mean things about me, never thinking any of the people she told would end up working with me and telling me. She told them I made up being diabetic (another time I nearly died) to get sympathy from people. I was beyond pissed when I heard that she had been talking about me like this.

At that point, I decided that I was going to tell some of her secrets, like she had done to me (childish, yes, I know). I told them how Dick broke off their engagement because he caught her fucking her present boyfriend, Sucker, on a camping trip. How she had gotten pregnant more than once in high school. How she told Kay to abort RAM. How she slept with every male friend she had. How she fucked over every female friend she ever had. How she came home from work every day and told us how much she hated every person she worked with, especially Cat Lady (the crazy one who couldn't keep employees for shit - so named because she had seven cats that lived in our office, in addition to the ELEVEN she had at home). How she was literally mental, and that she had been taking medication for it on and off. That wasn't the worst thing. I could have told her worst secret, but I didn't. And I won't.
So, our working relationship was at first rocky, because I fit right in with the people I worked with, and she didn't. We hung out together after hours and on weekends, and we would be laughing about something every time she came in the office. She was completely jealous, and hated every minute of it. She couldn't get along with Cat Lady and I did.

Long story short, after a long legal battle, our department was effectively eliminated, and every one lost their job except me. Celestia, who was the receptionist at the time, was adding to her job duties, so I was going to fill in for her while she moved to do something else. This was good and bad. It was good because I was going to get to be around the execs all the time, and woo them with my wit and charm, but it also meant that not only was I going to be working with her ALL THE TIME, she would be training me for the first few weeks.

Because I had to spend so much time with her, I just put my hateful feelings off to the side, and decided that for the sake of my mental health, I had to try and maintain some sort of cordial relationship with her. I don't go out of my way to be nice to her, but I don't act like a dick all the time, either.

She loves to say things that she knows will sting, and tries to make it sound like she really cares about you, when in fact, she doesn’t give a fuck, and just wants to hurt your feelings with her goddamned mouth. Example (this happened about a week and a half ago):

“Scott told me X is back in town. What are you going to do?”

“Um, what am I supposed to do? I am not even friends with him. I don’t care where he lives.”

“I heard he got married and has a beautiful wife, and she comes from a really rich family. He’s so happy now. Scott said they just had a baby. His wife is really pretty. And she gained like, no weight during her pregnancy. She’s so pretty and weighed like 120 pounds in her ninth month.”

See what I mean? She’s just evil. Evil. Evil. Evil.

Her moods are eratic. She goes out of her way to ignore me and be rude to me one minute, and the next she tries to act like she's my best friend. Every morning, when I walk up the stairs to the office, she is the first thing I see. She never says hi, never looks up, nothing. Whoever is behind me, doesn't matter who, she goes overboard with greetings. By now, you know of her constant crying fits. She's a gossip, and instigator, a manipulator, and a fake. It pisses me off that I have to act different with her, because I am not someone who can put on an act very easily. If I don't like someone, I just don't talk to them. But I don't have much choice in this situation. She truly is poison. The most frustrating thing about it is that everyone at work knows this about her, yet she still has a job.

I don't get that. At all.

Celestia, from what I can gather, had a really fucked up childhood. I don't care what happened, that doesn't make it ok to be a schizo whore to everyone around you and say whatever you want. At some point you have to be a grown up and put the past behind you and realize that there's a normal way to behave. She won't do that. But, I don't know if she really is so fucked up that she doesn't think she's acting any worse than anyone else. I have no idea. I give up trying to figure her out.

So, I think that's pretty much it. Like I said, I don't know if any of it will make any sense, because I had ten plus years worth of memories to sort through. I hope it provides a little insight into why it is that I feel the way I do.

Jesus. That was long.

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So, all the Star Wars freaks get to come out of their mom’s basements to see the next crappy installment of George Lucas’ money-making ego boost this week. Finally. I am so tired of hearing about it I can’t fucking stand it anymore. I just really don’t give a shit how Darth Vader became the big meany that he was.

As I said in twobaddogs’ comments, when they make a prequel to Sixteen Candles or Caddyshack, then I’ll get excited.

I was watching tv with RAM yesterday, and we saw the commercial for it, and I said “Hey, RAM, do you want to go see that movie?”

“No way, TT. Star Wars is for dorks.”

Heh. I would love to take credit for him thinking that, but I’ve never made a joke about it because my friends are into Star Wars (I liked Star Wars and The Empire Strikes back, I just don’t care about the prequels). Like I said, the kid’s a genius.

By the way, if you’re one of the people who get a stiffie at the prospect of this movie, don’t take my comments personally. I make fun of everyone. It’s because of my low self-esteem.

Besides, I proudly admit that every week I watch 43 hicks drive in a circle for four hours, and I get excited about it. I am just as much of a retard as the Star Wars dorks. I am just a white trash nascar dork.

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I was talking to my friends DMX and Briton about this disgusting porn website we go to all the time, and when we were laughing about something, our other friend The Good Girl came up. She has this name for a reason. She grew up on a farm, incredibly religious, incredibly sheltered.

Well, she wanted to know what we were laughing at. How do you explain bukkake to a chick like that? After we told her what it was, she gagged and told us that we were disgusting, and that we were dirty, and she couldn’t believe we could talk about such things.

I prefer to think of it as well-cultured.