Adventures from the midget rodeo.

You think New Jersey drivers suck? This is how we roll in SoCal:

Christ.

Los Angeles freeways are not very far off from Frogger. You really have to dodge and weave sometimes to get off of one alive.

If it's even moving.

---

Man, am I glad this week is done. That pervy guy that told me my perfume was "intoxicating" grossed me out for the whole day.

There is this whole group of old guys who constantly kiss up to Mr. Big Shot, hoping he'll give them money. At the Christmas Party the year before last, Perfume Perv was loaded, and came up and kissed me, and before I could stop him, he kissed me on the lips. I think he would have tried to slip me the tongue if I didn't pull back as fast as I did. It's a good thing that party is open bar, because I was drinking my ass off after that.

I think half of them have a crush on me, because I am so nice to them on the phone. But that's only because it's my job. They always ask me how my love life's going, and "who's heart are you breaking this week?"

Dipshits.

My company has this investment program, that works like CD's, only they offer a better rate than traditional banks, but the money is not insured.

All of the investors are at least 1000 years old, and they're cranky, and impatient. One, in particular, Mrs. Foster (or as she says "Missus Faawwstuh"), is a serious pain in my ass. She calls every month to say that her statement envelope wasn't sealed completely, or she didn't get it exactly on the first of the month.

Yesterday, I had to go downstairs to deliver something to the woman who deals with all the investors, and as I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw an old woman on a Rascal going inside our building. She kept hitting the side of the door, so I nudged her over so she could get in, and she said "Oh, thank you sweethaawwt. My, aren't you a pretty girl? Isn't she such a pretty girl, Syl?" She was about 85, and was wearing a satin Celtics jacket, that I am guessing was from 1974, and a Red Sox hat, also decades old.

Now, the funniest thing about this woman was that on the back of her Rascal, was a Sex Pistols sticker, and a Pennywise sticker.

What. The. Hell?

---

I have been meaning to tell this story for a while now, and PorkTornado's entry yesterday reminded me again.

Before I went, I had never heard of the midget rodeo, and to be honest, I thought I was a nicer person than one who would go to an event and laugh at the expense of the little people.

Surprisingly, I found out that I am an asshole.

We sat there, waiting for the madness to begin. Finally, this little (and I mean LITTLE) car comes out, and four or five midget clowns jump out, and they all start running around, chasing each other, and pretending to shoot each other with imaginary guns. All the music that played was in Spanish, and the announcer spoke Spanish, and all the "little people" were Mexican.

Suddenly, one jumped up on the tiny car and started singing and dancing to "Livin' la vida loca" by Ricky Martin. After the song, the music stopped, and all the midgets froze, and looked afraid. The spotlight went to the bullpen, and when they gate went up, a goddamn bulldog came out. Yeah. A bulldog. They were all running around, trying to save themselves from the fierce beast that is the bulldog.

Have you ever seen a bulldog run ANYWHERE? Exactly. So they were all running around from nothing.

There was a lot of the singing and dancing to bad latin music, midgets riding donkeys, a bulldog sitting doing nothing, and midget clowns spraying water into the audience. I am afraid of clowns. Like SERIOUSLY afraid. I don't even want to tell you how disturbed I was by midget clowns. My friend Mongol, who was drunk, kept asking one of the crew if he could take one of the midgets home. He said he would care for it, and feed it, and let it run around in the backyard all day. The guy he was talking to didn't think it was funny. Mongol's persistence in wanting a midget souvenir got us kicked out, and he was yelled at in Spanish.

He told me on the way home that the manager told him that the midgets have feelings, and they shouldn't be taken advantage of by stupid drunk Americans.

Uh. Ok. Instead they can be taken advantage of by greedy exploitive Mexicans I guess.

If you ever get the opportunity to see this spectacle, I recommend it. You won't feel good about yourself afterward, but it's worth it.

---

Happy Friday, bitches.