A gay plumber will do more than just snake your pipes.

I work with a bunch of snooty, uptight conservatives.

I have heard Mr. Big Shot (company owner), a staunch Catholic, make several disparaging comments about gay people, and anyone who reads this diary knows that I can't stand homophobia of any kind. However, I can't stand not being able to pay my rent more, so I keep my mouth shut (but if I'm out in public and someone says something, I'm a little PFLAG pit bull).

About a year ago, a bunch of phone books were delivered to the office. What made these particular directories different from standard yellow pages was that they were gay. As in gay-run businesses marketing to gay customers. When I saw it, I thought it was hilarious, and looked at every single page. My co-workers, a bunch of Jesus-loving, Bush-voting conservatives did NOT find the humor in it. In fact, they were pretty disgusted by the whole thing. There was a lot of "Now they have their own phone book! It's disgusting! What would Jesus Do?! The sky is falling! Apocalypse now!" Ok, maybe not the last part, but you get the idea.

The books were immediately thrown out, except for one copy I stashed under my desk. This book is fantastic. It has gay mortgage brokers, gay bail bondsmen (because you don't want some straight fucker getting you out of the joint, he must be a homo), gay car dealers (all Jeeps, all the time), gay, gay, gay. You get the idea. I love it because the pictures are SO GAY. I mean, you think that they would not want to play up to stereotypes, but they totally do. There is a finance company, and the two men talking to the banker look ultra swishy, and one is so femme that he literally has the "limp wrist" that is used so often when imitating the gays. And they're both wearing super-tight t-shirts. Yeah, that's a look that'll get you that home loan.

Anyway, today an emergency came up in the office and I was asked to call a plumber. So, naturally, I found the fruitiest plumber I could find in the gay pages, and he's coming (haha) tomorrow morning. Goddamn, I hope he's wearing a feather boa and a pink sequined thong and singing Bette Midler songs the whole time. That would be so awesome. Ok, that won't happen. But I hope he has a high, hissy voice. Goddamn I love those hot gay boys.

And I hope it makes all of my homophobic co-workers uncomfortable as hell. I hope he charges my company up the ass for it, too.

I am SO clever with the gay puns.

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The Britney and Kevin car wreck was a disappointment (shock). I didn't know it would be 60 minutes of a hand-held video camera shoved up Britney's nose, highlighting her jacked up skin the whole time.

I sure hope they speed up the chaos and get to the tweaked-out-cheeto-eating-bad-hair-extension-pink-flip-flop era. That's what I want to see.

They're no Nick and Jessica, dammit.

Speaking of Nick and Jessica, I have admitted to being hopelessly addicted to all the dumb shows on MTV before. Have you seen "Meet The Barkers?" Does anyone else think Travis is going to be panhandling on a freeway offramp soon?

Man, that guy loves to spend money. And he's high (on any number of things) all the time.

Between his wife, his cars, and his various hangers-on, he'll be broke in no time.

I also have a violent reaction to Tina on "Real World/Road Rules Challenge." I hate her, and want to do harm to her whenever her big face is talking all her shit on my tv. Maker her go away.

Man, I suck. Am I really commenting on these shows?

I need to get a life.

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Since I got a hit in my diary for "naked Andria", it's also been googled for "Andria booty" and "Andria's cock." Who is this Andria, and why is she getting all the action that I am not? Damn her. DAMN HER!

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Well, I am glad all of you (or at least the ones with the tolerance to read all of that shit) enjoyed the Celestia saga. She is indeed crazy, and to prove it, in spite of her ignoring me every chance she gets, and talking shit about me to everyone all the time, the bitch brought me a little present back from her vacation.

What the....?

She said she got it for me because I burned a couple cd's for her, but she gave me blank ones in return (which I told her she didn't have to do), so I thought we were straight.

I know I wouldn't spend a dollar on someone I didn't like. Hell, for all I know she beat some little Mexican kid and stole it.

That chick is a wingnut, to be sure.

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Finally, it makes me giddy beyond belief when people whose diary I have been reading forever add me as a favorite. It makes me all giggly and dorky (more than usual) that people read this, because when I started, I never thought anyone would read it.

Ok, really finally - I hate when it says my buddies just updated and it's still showing the previous entry.

Grrrrr.

Ok. Really REALLY finally. I just got the Kaiser Chiefs record.

Fuck yeah.