The return of Jizz Face.

My high school was very much like the school on the show Beverly Hills, 90210. In fact, my high school was the school on Beverly Hills, 90210. And all those snotty looking people in the background were the same fucks I had to deal with on a daily basis.

Up until I was about twelve years old, I had a pretty white-trash childhood. Not a lot of money, not a lot of sophistication, and not a lot of lessons on how to be demure, dainty and girly (I know this must come as a shocking surprise to all of you). I was a tomboy. I cursed, rode my bike, played baseball, fought with boys, and had zero dresses hanging in my closet.

When my parents started doing better, we moved to the city I live in now, which was a mostly upper-middle class area, mostly white and Asian. The girls were spoiled, wore Guess Jeans or skirts every day, had boyfriends, and were total snobs.

Needless to say, I didn’t fit in well. At all.

I have always been able to charm people with my personality, because I was always smart, and funny, and sarcastic. So I could either make you laugh, or cut you down and make you cry. I was not afraid to do either. Those girls were VICIOUS.

I didn’t look like them, I didn’t talk like them, and I didn’t act like them. I didn’t have all the expensive clothes, my Mom didn’t drive a brand new BMW, my Dad didn’t own any car dealerships, and I never got diamond earrings for Christmas. In the beginning, to them, I was a freak. I was loud. I goofed off. I was stronger than most of the boys. There were no other girls at that school who were from another place, were overweight, and not in with some clique. Even the band geeks were a clique. For a while, I was flailing out there on my own.

It was then that I decided I was going to be so loud, and so funny, that they would have no choice but to love me (oh, those adolescent years of no self-esteem… how I miss them so). And most of the time, with a lot of people, it worked. Except with one person. Jizz Face (story of her name to come later – no pun intended).

Jizz Face was a cheerleader, a beauty queen, a model, and a complete bitch. She was mean to EVERYONE. She threw a huge “worship me” birthday party every year, which was in June, so it was always a pool party. She always made sure to let everyone who wasn’t invited know just how great a time they would be missing.

She also started a pretty vicious rumor about her BEST FRIEND that messed her up so much, that she tried to kill herself, and ended up dropping out senior year and going to a mental hospital.

Not all girls were like that, but that’s a pretty fair description of a lot of the people I went to school with. Thank god I found Kay when I did.

A few years after graduation, I think I was about 24, Kay and I were hanging out at our little dive Irish pub, and Jizz Face came in with her boyfriend, and a couple of other friends – one of whom, Brandy, I was good friends with.

So Brandy was talking to Kay and I, and Jizz Face comes over and starts telling her to go back to their table, and blah blah blah, and before I know it, Jizz Face is sitting with us at the bar.

A while later, her boyfriend had to leave, so she went to walk him to his car, and told Brandy she’d be right back.

Twenty minutes later, she came back, and traces of the "very special" goodbye she gave to her boyfriend were on her chin and cheek. Kay and Brandy noticed it, too, and Kay was going to say something, but I kicked her, and subtly shook my head for her not to. It was hard not to laugh, but neither of us said anything.

So Jizz Face sat there, with jizz on her face, until the next time she went to the bathroom, which was maybe 30-40 minutes. She never said anything about it to us.

We started calling her Jizz Face after that, and it stuck. In fact, when I was telling the story to my sister tonight, it took me a minute to remember her real name.

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My sister Jackie and I were at Target tonight doing some shopping, and guess who had a cart full of screaming brats and about 200 extra pounds?

Jizz Face.

Does it make me petty to say how pleased I was when I saw how fat she got?

Fuck that. She was mean to fat people.She was mean to everyone. She deserves to be fat and know what it’s like.

She didn’t say anything to me, but she saw me, and I did take a drop of my Pantene and put it on my face when we walked by her.

How could I not? She’s Jizz Face.

I should have thanked her. If it wasn’t for her, I would never have become the caustic, loudmouth, smartass bitch that I am, to think of putting conditioner on my face to make it look like cum.

Thanks, Jizz Face! Karma’s a real bitch.

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Celestia almost cried today.

Because she couldn’t figure out the sealer on our postage machine.