Amazon.com: "Pre-order? Hahahahaha... silly fool!"

Yesterday, my co-worker Chris asked me to take him up to Mr. Big Shot's house to help him program the new stereo (why is the receptionist doing this?) system presets, and to ooh and ahh at all the fancy new shit, since they weren't home. Celestia, who doesn't have the gift of pre-set station programming that I do (and seriously, it's no gift. Those idiots don't realize how easy it is), was pissy and jealous that I might be imposing on another prime ass-kissing opportunity for her.

We were about five minutes from MBS' house when I passed the shiny black Mercedes in front of me that was going about four miles an hour. Immediately, the car jerked over into the lane next to me, and then sped up in front of me.

"You just pissed off Roseanne."
"Huh?"
"ROSEANNE. You know? Roseanne Barr, or Arnold, or whoever she is now."

I'll explain: Roseanne (my white trash hero) lived a few doors down from MBS, up until she sold the house she was living in and moved. I thought she moved off the hill and back closer to Los Angeles, but maybe she didn't. MBS and Roseanne don't like each other too much. Remember the dog that shit on Celestia's passenger seat a few weeks ago? Well, Chris (who used to live up at MBS' place when he was his driver full time) was walking him, and he almost ate one of her little yippee dogs. She went over to his house screaming about his dog, he called her trash, she called him a little cocksucker. So, not a lot of love there.

"How do you know that's her car?"
"I know the plates. I used to see that car every day, you know."

So, being as tacky as I am, I got up next to her car, but the windows were BLACK. When we were sitting at a light waiting to go, right before she took off, she rolled down her window, smiled, and flipped me off.

---

One of my many pet peeves is when I see people watering their grass in the middle of the day when it's hot. I am no tree-hugging environmentalist, however, it's a waste of water. And it's just stupid. So, whenever I see someone I know doing it, I yell at them.

Sunday, my crazy neighbor Ann, who thinks she has some knack for gardening, but really, she doesn't, was out in front of our apartments dicking around like she usually does on the weekend. I heard the sprinklers come on, then the water come on, and I saw her starting to water the plants. I was talking on the phone to Kay at the time, so I walked out, with the phone still in my hand, and calmly said, "Ann, you really should water later in the evening when it's cool. You'll use a lot less water and it won't dry as quickly." Given how much I really dislike this woman, I think I was pretty diplomatic about it.

"I'm watering now."
"But you're wasting water, Ann. It's stupid to water right now. We have to pay for the water, and you would use LESS if you do it around eight instead of two in the afternoon. It just makes sense."

She started talking, but she was mumbling, like she was talking to herself. I asked her what she said, and she did it again. Kay was still on the phone, listening and laughing. Mostly because I had this same fight with her. I don't know when I appointed myself the water usage hall monitor, but I did.

Then Ann started screaming something about taking the trash out on Mondays, and my loud music, and how I never say hello to her, and how rude I am all the time. Then I yelled back that she was a lunatic, and that I don't talk to her because she's strange, and talks to plants and names her cats both Ann. I started something else, but she pointed the hose right at me and squirted me with it. Then she told me to leave her alone.

So I did.

Screw it. Let her use all the fucking water for all I care. Wack job. When I told my Dad (the LANDLORD), he didn't care. Why should he? He doesn't have to pay the water bill. Fucker.

---

Monday, Celestia was wearing these shoes that had about a four inch heel on them. She never used to wear heels to work, but all of a sudden, she's in them nearly every day. They were bugging the shit out of me, because they were mules, and every time she went down the stairs, the shoes made a noise you could hear in the whole building. Well, she started off down the stairs, and I heard one clack, two, three, four, five, and then none.

I walked out and looked over the railing, and she was at the bottom, laid out. But she was laughing, so I figured it was safe for me to laugh at with her, too.

She may be the only other person as clumsy, or even clumsier, than me.

---

So, I am pretty pissed (yeah, amazon.com, I'm looking at you). I pre-ordered that damn Harry Potter book like a good nerd about four months ago. I was giddy with excitement, thinking it was going to be waiting on my desk at work (I have everything delivered to the office. I don't trust my ghetto neighbors not to steal my shit), but it wasn't.

So, I thought it might come Tuesday.

No.

So, today, I contacted them, and they said they "never received" anything from me.

Damn you, amazon.com.

DAMN YOU.